Today, I broadened my job search worldwide and, while looking through the US version of Monster I came across a vacancy in Santa Barbara that I felt would be just perfect - Sheriff's Correction Officer.
It is my understanding that the problem many Sheriffs have is that, despite an excellent background in urban law enforcement, they are often somewhat lacking in, equally important, areas such as grammar or dining etiquette. Historically, I believe such gaps in knowledge have either been ignored, which is rightly regarded as a ticking timebomb, or have resulted in extensive re-training, which can lead to disturbing gaps in policing levels. It is a little known statistic that more than 54 armed robberies could have been foiled in New York State between 2003-2005 if it weren't for the fact that police were attending a seminar teaching them how to 'yawn politely in public'.
Santa Barbara County, obviously one of the more modern and proactive police agencies, seems to be willing to take radical steps in order to deal with this issue by hiring Correction Officers who can travel with the Sheriffs and ensure that they minimise faux pas and general failings of decorum.
In my application statement I explained that:
I am very polite and well mannered yet believe in discipline when an offence has been committed. I feel that I would enjoy working in this type of rehabilitating environment and that I could help make a difference, not only ensuring offenders are aware of the mistakes they've made but also encouraging them so they don't slip back into their old ways once I'm not there.
The level of discipline required is directly proportional to the level of embarrassment that arises from the Sheriff's failings. For example, if at a dining function, the Sheriff reaches to select a dessert spoon when he should clearly be using a soup spoon, this can be rectified by a stout poke in the ribs with a nightstick. However, in the case of a more serious transgression of decorum, such as attempting to squeeze the juice from a grapefruit half at a buffet, it is necessary to resort to the use of a taser...
I will await their, no doubt swift, request for an interview.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Special Update - My Richard and Judy secret...
A number of people have asked me about my appearance on The Richard and Judy show and, after keeping quiet about it for a while, I have decided to spill the beans on my secret appearance!
Ok, so it was a very fleeting appearance - and would only have been noticed by the most eagle-eyed of viewer (even if they knew me!). And no, I wasn't one of the blokes who had a live testicular exam!
I was one of the winners of their children's short story competition in 2003 - my story was published in a book but, to this day, I still scratch my head as to how my story managed to sneak its way into the winners selection (you see, I'm not sure it was really ever aimed at children!).
Anyway, I probably shouldn't put the story for download (I'm not sure I own the copyright to it anymore!) but hopefully they'll forgive me since I can't imagine it's easy to get hold of the book now. I hosted in on a site called Filesend - you click HERE - and this will take you to a page where, after about ten seconds, you can download the story in PDF format...
I hope you enjoy it, if only vaguely...
Ok, so it was a very fleeting appearance - and would only have been noticed by the most eagle-eyed of viewer (even if they knew me!). And no, I wasn't one of the blokes who had a live testicular exam!
I was one of the winners of their children's short story competition in 2003 - my story was published in a book but, to this day, I still scratch my head as to how my story managed to sneak its way into the winners selection (you see, I'm not sure it was really ever aimed at children!).
Anyway, I probably shouldn't put the story for download (I'm not sure I own the copyright to it anymore!) but hopefully they'll forgive me since I can't imagine it's easy to get hold of the book now. I hosted in on a site called Filesend - you click HERE - and this will take you to a page where, after about ten seconds, you can download the story in PDF format...
I hope you enjoy it, if only vaguely...
Friday, September 29, 2006
Job No. 27 - Freelance Field Interpreter
Having recently abandoned my attempts to gain the 6kg necessary to fulfil the role of Heavyweight Creative in a protest against their obvious weightism, I received news of a job vacancy (from a user named EastEnd Lass on the Chatterblog forums) that was even more demanding - a 7.5 tonne driver. I mean, seriously - seven and a half tonnes??? I'd hate to imagine how many doughnuts this would take to achieve...
So, deciding that I would henceforth pass up on all jobs that required 24-hour binge eating, I instead found myself an extremely interesting job that would involve working for the International Criminal Court in the Hague. I can only surmise that the EU having recently extended its Human Rights Acts to cover tracts of agricultural land, since the ICC is advertising that it requires a Freelance Field Interpreter.
I'm assuming the testimony of fields are required on an infrequent basis - hence the freelance nature of the role - but it is area of the law where there is surely considerable potential for growth. Suppose a council wants to build a bypass through a rural area; previously they'd only have had to seek the views of local residents but now there is likely be a requirement to gauge the feelings and opinions of nearby fields. And that's just the start of it - mowing a lawn may well be an infringement of a grasses' right to grow! It's a decidedly tricky area and, to get to the root of the matter, you need high quality interpreters...
On my application form, I was concerned that my technological background may hinder my efforts, so I made sure that I sold myself when prompted to in the appropriate section:
I have always held a deep seated interest in field interpretation and, despite my computer background, I would enjoy the opportunity to work in the field. I am skilled at translating feelings and gestures, and believe that perhaps 95% of field interpretation work is about the visual clues - which auditory interpretation would miss completely. Although I am most experienced in European varieties, I feel I could extend my methods to more exotic climes.
In anticipation of an interview request, I intend to nip round to the park this afternoon and get in some interpreting practice. In silence, I will watch the gentle swirls of grass, the way the blaqdes bend gracefully against the light breeze and, breathing shallowly, will focus hard on what it's trying to tell me...
...unless, of course, it's asleep. Always hard to tell with grass.
So, deciding that I would henceforth pass up on all jobs that required 24-hour binge eating, I instead found myself an extremely interesting job that would involve working for the International Criminal Court in the Hague. I can only surmise that the EU having recently extended its Human Rights Acts to cover tracts of agricultural land, since the ICC is advertising that it requires a Freelance Field Interpreter.
I'm assuming the testimony of fields are required on an infrequent basis - hence the freelance nature of the role - but it is area of the law where there is surely considerable potential for growth. Suppose a council wants to build a bypass through a rural area; previously they'd only have had to seek the views of local residents but now there is likely be a requirement to gauge the feelings and opinions of nearby fields. And that's just the start of it - mowing a lawn may well be an infringement of a grasses' right to grow! It's a decidedly tricky area and, to get to the root of the matter, you need high quality interpreters...
On my application form, I was concerned that my technological background may hinder my efforts, so I made sure that I sold myself when prompted to in the appropriate section:
I have always held a deep seated interest in field interpretation and, despite my computer background, I would enjoy the opportunity to work in the field. I am skilled at translating feelings and gestures, and believe that perhaps 95% of field interpretation work is about the visual clues - which auditory interpretation would miss completely. Although I am most experienced in European varieties, I feel I could extend my methods to more exotic climes.
In anticipation of an interview request, I intend to nip round to the park this afternoon and get in some interpreting practice. In silence, I will watch the gentle swirls of grass, the way the blaqdes bend gracefully against the light breeze and, breathing shallowly, will focus hard on what it's trying to tell me...
...unless, of course, it's asleep. Always hard to tell with grass.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Job No. 26 - Employer Engagement Co-ordinator
Well, with the euphoria of yesterday's landmark twenty-fifth post fading (and all the coffee cake gone) I spent this morning wading through the (literally) dozens of job suggestions that people have sent me...
There were some really good ones (that I may come back to another day) but the one that caught my eye was a position fairly close to home - Employer Engagement Co-ordinator at the University of Teesside.
My understanding is that the job involves you having to co-ordinate all the employers to ensure that they get engaged - possibly within the framework of some time limit (it is mentioned that the role is fixed term until March 2009, so I assume all the employers need to be engaged by this point) - so you'd function almost as a pre-wedding planner. The exact methods of co-ordination are not revealed in the job description, but the wording does seem to suggest you will need to be intimately involved:
This is an interdependent and mutually supporting roles, requiring close working relationships
My current thinking is that I'll begin by putting all of the employers names in a hat and then doing the selection of couples on a random basis to ensure there are no complaints (and so the less attractive employers don't end up left on their own in a corner). Once that's been sorted out, I'd then take out two employers at time to somewhere romantic and be on hand to help to break the ice a bit...maybe get the first lot of drinks in and get them talking before retiring to the background, ready to help out whenever the conversation starts to falter by leaping out and telling an amusing anecdote, or doing the old 'jeans pockets out, fly undone - look it's an elephant!' gag.
Obviously there will be lows as well as highs; employers with different ambitions - he wants to write IT software, she wants to weld industrial piping - but I can help smooth things over and get them on the right path...and before you know it, we'd be down H. Samuel, choosing a suitably tacky ring and thinking of possible children's names. Hopefully the enthusiasm in my application statement (below) will win out over (my lack of) experience:
There were some really good ones (that I may come back to another day) but the one that caught my eye was a position fairly close to home - Employer Engagement Co-ordinator at the University of Teesside.
My understanding is that the job involves you having to co-ordinate all the employers to ensure that they get engaged - possibly within the framework of some time limit (it is mentioned that the role is fixed term until March 2009, so I assume all the employers need to be engaged by this point) - so you'd function almost as a pre-wedding planner. The exact methods of co-ordination are not revealed in the job description, but the wording does seem to suggest you will need to be intimately involved:
This is an interdependent and mutually supporting roles, requiring close working relationships
My current thinking is that I'll begin by putting all of the employers names in a hat and then doing the selection of couples on a random basis to ensure there are no complaints (and so the less attractive employers don't end up left on their own in a corner). Once that's been sorted out, I'd then take out two employers at time to somewhere romantic and be on hand to help to break the ice a bit...maybe get the first lot of drinks in and get them talking before retiring to the background, ready to help out whenever the conversation starts to falter by leaping out and telling an amusing anecdote, or doing the old 'jeans pockets out, fly undone - look it's an elephant!' gag.
Obviously there will be lows as well as highs; employers with different ambitions - he wants to write IT software, she wants to weld industrial piping - but I can help smooth things over and get them on the right path...and before you know it, we'd be down H. Samuel, choosing a suitably tacky ring and thinking of possible children's names. Hopefully the enthusiasm in my application statement (below) will win out over (my lack of) experience:
I believe that, despite a background in videogame development, I would be extremely well suited to this position given the opportunity. I am used to dealing with employers and am highly experienced in managing relationships. I feel that I could bring employers together and build long-lasting relationships, thus ensuring a high ratio of selected employers being engaged.
It could be fun - I'd get to see young love on a daily basis and then, beyond that, I'd be out of the frame...I wouldn't need to help them set a date for the wedding, I wouldn't have to help them decide whether to have an intimate reception or a banquet, there'd be no need to settle arguments about whether or not to invite Uncle Alfred (who's a stingy old bugger who'll only bring a set of dishtowels as a present) or even get involved in suggesting locations for their honeymoon. Nope - none of that's anything to do with me - I just get them engaged, pat them on the back and then send them on their merry way...Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Job No. 25 - Senior Lecturer in Creative Music Technologies
Today marks the 25th job I've applied for - I am officially a quarter of the way through my quest to apply for 100 jobs that I really shouldn't apply for - and I intend to celebrate my milestone in a few minutes time with a slice of coffee cake and a cup of tea...
However, before I do that, I have to tell you about an amazing opportunity that I stumbled across today thanks to the Music Jobs website - the position of Senior Lecturer in Creative Music Technologies at Bath Spa University.
This job is quite possibly perfect for me - it combines creativity (which I have plenty of) with music (which I love) and then proceeds to whip them up into a technology-laden whole. And I think it's brilliant that, in this day and age - where music has become so commercial and sanitised - that there are Universities who still dedicate their time to making music in creative ways - I mean, how else can we expect age-old musical art forms (such as playing the spoons) to be preserved for future generations?
Although the advert said that it was essential for me to have a first degree in Music Technology and extensive experience as a professional musician I thought there might be a way around this - if I could impress them not just with my commitment to creative music, but also in my vision for future research projects (I hear Universities are very keen on research). I am sure that the statement, below, that I gave them in support of my application is bound to win them over:
I am extremely interested in the area of Creative Music Technologies and believe that I could energise and motivate the entire department. I believe it is possible to create music from a variety of everyday objects and am pleased that Bath shares my vision - to make music as creatively as possible. In my kitchen I have set up a series of saucepans in a carefully constructed order that allows me to play Eine Kleine Nacht Musik by tapping them with a wooden spatula and I have plans for a far larger scale research project that would see a number (I anticipate needing 34) of radiator panels arranged on a football pitch in such a manner that, when struck firmly with a stout mallet, would be capable of playing God Save The Queen.
With such dedication to creativity and research, I am certain that Bath Spa University will be willing to waive their normal system of requirements and hire me immediately...
However, before I do that, I have to tell you about an amazing opportunity that I stumbled across today thanks to the Music Jobs website - the position of Senior Lecturer in Creative Music Technologies at Bath Spa University.
This job is quite possibly perfect for me - it combines creativity (which I have plenty of) with music (which I love) and then proceeds to whip them up into a technology-laden whole. And I think it's brilliant that, in this day and age - where music has become so commercial and sanitised - that there are Universities who still dedicate their time to making music in creative ways - I mean, how else can we expect age-old musical art forms (such as playing the spoons) to be preserved for future generations?
Although the advert said that it was essential for me to have a first degree in Music Technology and extensive experience as a professional musician I thought there might be a way around this - if I could impress them not just with my commitment to creative music, but also in my vision for future research projects (I hear Universities are very keen on research). I am sure that the statement, below, that I gave them in support of my application is bound to win them over:
I am extremely interested in the area of Creative Music Technologies and believe that I could energise and motivate the entire department. I believe it is possible to create music from a variety of everyday objects and am pleased that Bath shares my vision - to make music as creatively as possible. In my kitchen I have set up a series of saucepans in a carefully constructed order that allows me to play Eine Kleine Nacht Musik by tapping them with a wooden spatula and I have plans for a far larger scale research project that would see a number (I anticipate needing 34) of radiator panels arranged on a football pitch in such a manner that, when struck firmly with a stout mallet, would be capable of playing God Save The Queen.
With such dedication to creativity and research, I am certain that Bath Spa University will be willing to waive their normal system of requirements and hire me immediately...
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Job No. 24 - Receptionist
While scouring the educational jobs on the Guardian website, I was shocked to see how much some teachers are paid. Yes, on the news, we always seem to hear about how little renumeration they receive but - if you can manage to find employment as an English Teacher in Bedfordshire then you can take home, according to the advert, the rather tidy sum of just over £36 million per week. I think this is perhaps a little excessive, as it means that a Bedfordshire based English teacher can earn more in a year than the Gross Domestic Product of Equatorial
However, being neither a greedy man nor an English teacher, I decided to pass up on this lucrative opportunity and, instead, applied for the position of Front of House Receptionist.
What really sold me on this particular position was the opportunity to work from (just outside of) home. I spent this afternoon with a tape measure, carefully measuring the front lawn and, by my estimation, there's easily room for a small desk, a swivel chair and (at a push) a filing cabinet - and I'll just run all the extension leads and telephone cables straight out through the living room window.
The job description mentions the need to 'meet and greet guests' but I'm rather hoping they'll be able to limit the number of simultaneous guests as, if I have more than four arriving at any one time, I'll likely run out of room and have to send them round to have a cup of coffee at my next-door neighbour's house...
My only real pressing concern was with regard to the effect of inclement weather - ideally, during the Autumn and Winter months, I'd like to utilise a small tent on the front lawn for my receptionist duties as things can get a little damp and I'd hate to be having to wring my mouse mat out at the end of every working day. I decided it best to air my concerns in my application letter:
Hi
I wish to apply for the position of Front of House Receptionist, as advertised on the Guardian website, and have attached my CV for your consideration...
The job appeals to me as it would give me an opportunity to work a lot nearer to home and I think the open environment would be a positive boon; however, my only concern is with regard to inclement environmental conditions - something I'm sure you're used to dealing with - and I was hoping you could provide some reassurance that this is an area where appropriate materials can be utilised if necessary?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Regards
Oliver.
Assuming they allow me the use of appropriate protection during poor weather, I am willing to start almost immediately and will aim to move my desk out onto the front lawn during the course of the weekend, ready to welcome my first set of guests...
Update - Radio 5 Interview
Just a small update to let you know that my interview with BBC Radio 5 was broadcast in the small hours of this morning - for those of you who weren't up at 2am listening, the show is available online here and my segment of the show is fifteen minutes in from the start...
Monday, September 25, 2006
Job No. 23 - Press Officer
Today, I have my friend Dave to thank for bringing this job advert to my attention; Press Officer for Polydor records...
The advert stated that 'previous PR experience was not essential' (no problem, I thought to myself) and asked that candidates have a 'passion for the press' and a 'demonstrable flair for writing' (I could surely bluff my way through these two!). However, their next requirement caused me to briefly consider whether I have what it takes to be appointed to the position: 'you must know all that's worth knowing about rock and hip hop.'
I know a lot about music, sure...but do I know all that's worth knowing? What, I asked myself, would be their response if I told them I knew some things that were worth knowing about rock and hip hop and a considerable number of things that weren't worth knowing at all? I was also worried about how this knowledge might be tested during the interview so decided to pre-empt their challenge from within my application letter:
The advert stated that 'previous PR experience was not essential' (no problem, I thought to myself) and asked that candidates have a 'passion for the press' and a 'demonstrable flair for writing' (I could surely bluff my way through these two!). However, their next requirement caused me to briefly consider whether I have what it takes to be appointed to the position: 'you must know all that's worth knowing about rock and hip hop.'
I know a lot about music, sure...but do I know all that's worth knowing? What, I asked myself, would be their response if I told them I knew some things that were worth knowing about rock and hip hop and a considerable number of things that weren't worth knowing at all? I was also worried about how this knowledge might be tested during the interview so decided to pre-empt their challenge from within my application letter:
Hi Sarah
- Curtis ’50 Cent’
- Originally, The Beatles’ White Album was going to be called The Almond Fishcake Experiment.
- R&B star Lemar once owned a pet badger called Gerald that died in a tragic lawn-mowing accident.
- The first instance of rapping on record can be heard on a little-known country and western recording, Little Train, in 1968 by Lou Judd.
- Diminutive sex symbol, Prince, believes he will be reincarnated as a camel.
- BB King once played live, non-stop, for more than sixteen days.
- Missy Elliott’s favourite food is Top Ramen noodles.
- ABBA were banned from playing a concert in
- Radiohead played their first gig at the Jericho Tavern,
- Ozzy Osbourne has a phobia concerning pheasants.
- The world’s shortest album was by Norwegian death metal band Calcifus, whose eight songs, together, clocked in at just under three and a half minutes.
- Michael Jackson insists on changing his shoes every 31 minutes.
- Elvis Presley and Robert Johnson died on the same day, thirty nine years apart.
- Mariah Carey still talks to an invisible friend she has had since childhood.
- Contrary to his image, Noel Gallagher has a Master’s degree in Botany.
- Brian May only uses Optima strings on his guitar.
- Rod Stewart believes, in a previous life, he was Joan of Arc.
- Metallica’s Lars Ulrich gave up a promising tennis career to pursue fame as a drummer.
- Jennifer Lopez is so keen on her new hobby of keeping fish that she intends to launch a range of rhinestone-encrusted aquariums in 2007.
- Elton John turned to music after failing in his attempt to become a wrestler.
Week 3 - Update
This week marked a milestone as my blog was viewed for the 10,000th time.
To be honest, I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that there are that many people out there who want to come and read about my attempts to find employment as a part-time Antelope Keeper or Deputy Director of NASA's Exploration of the Universe Division! Or, perhaps, there's only one person and they've got a really bad memory...
...oh God, what if it's me? Oh well, no time to worry about that...
It was another busy week as I crammed in an another interview with TFM, an article about me in the local paper and lined up an interview (which I'll record tonight) for a Radio 5 show. And, keeping you in touch with my writing ambitions, there's allegedly some possible interest from a broadsheet about me writing something for them. Can't get much vaguer than that, can you! It's all up in the air at the moment so I refuse to feel even slightly excited yet.
I got a rejection letter from Bloomberg this morning regarding the Photo Editor position (very prompt - although it does make me wonder if they even looked at the special 'Pictures of Myself I have recently edited' page of my CV) while I was disappointed to find that the English Instructor position has also been filled. I wrote back to ensure they kept me in mind for future opportunities...
To be honest, I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that there are that many people out there who want to come and read about my attempts to find employment as a part-time Antelope Keeper or Deputy Director of NASA's Exploration of the Universe Division! Or, perhaps, there's only one person and they've got a really bad memory...
...oh God, what if it's me? Oh well, no time to worry about that...
It was another busy week as I crammed in an another interview with TFM, an article about me in the local paper and lined up an interview (which I'll record tonight) for a Radio 5 show. And, keeping you in touch with my writing ambitions, there's allegedly some possible interest from a broadsheet about me writing something for them. Can't get much vaguer than that, can you! It's all up in the air at the moment so I refuse to feel even slightly excited yet.
I got a rejection letter from Bloomberg this morning regarding the Photo Editor position (very prompt - although it does make me wonder if they even looked at the special 'Pictures of Myself I have recently edited' page of my CV) while I was disappointed to find that the English Instructor position has also been filled. I wrote back to ensure they kept me in mind for future opportunities...
Hi
Regards
However, these rejections have failed to quench my enthusiasm; I know there are employers out there who need someone like me. Even if they don't know it yet...
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Job No. 22 - Curator of Television
I had plans today to apply to be a Theatre Nurse. All the statistics I’ve found suggest that very few accidents actually occur within theatres, so I thought it likely that my lack of medical training could go unnoticed for quite some time...
I intended to apply to join a hospital which boasted a (possibly indulgent) seven theatres, which I imagine allows it to offer a diverse range of entertainment to its patients. Although, with the current financial state of the NHS, I guess they probably struggle to attract A-list celebrities anymore. But, my theatre nursing dreams were dashed when I found they only accepted applications from those who are registered (blast you, Equity!).
However, passing up on nursing allowed me to apply for a job I feel eminently qualified to undertake - Curator of Television at the National Museum of Photography, Film and Television. I ask you - is it really any wonder that British museums are constantly asking for more government funding when they waste £36,000 a year hiring someone to babysit their television set? But, not to look a gift horse in the mouth, I was quick to apply…
Hi Sabia
I wish to apply for the position of Curator of Television, as advertised on the Guardian website and have enclosed my CV for your consideration…
I believe I have the skills and experience that are necessary, having maintained my own audio-visual collection for more than sixteen years. I would be interested to find out the exact make/model that I would be responsible for but believe that with my experience I could rapidly adapt.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Regards
Oliver
I decided to gloss over my relative lack of experience with plasma screen televisions as I was worried this might harm my chances of employment. And, if I get an interview, I’ve decided to offer to curate their DVD player at the same time for an extra five grand…
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Job No. 21 - Photo Editor
Today I thought I would indulge my artistic sensibilities and so decided that I would apply to join Bloomberg as their London office's Photo Editor.
The job description asked that candidates 'should have at least three years experience as a photo editor on a major newspaper and be expert in Photoshop' and while, perhaps, I should have at least three years experience as a photo editor on a major newspaper, I'm sure they'll understand that I've simply been far too busy doing other things during the last three years...*
The remainder of the job description said that I would have to 'edit photos and affix them to news stories'. Editing the photos sounds like a doddle and, dependent upon whether they want me to use glue, sellotape or blutack, I'm sure I can affix them to the stories with relatively few problems.
I was a bit worried that my CV - being so game-biased - might not show my prospective employers the full potential of my (so far, undeveloped) artistic abilities and, since there was no section to upload anything other than a CV on their website, I had to think on my feet (hopefully my initiative will impress them)! I decided to add an extra page to my CV entitled 'Pictures of Myself I have recently edited' and then affixed two photos I had edited only this afternoon.
Not only that but my choice of photos has a dual purpose - in the first photo I have put my head on James Bond, which, rather cunningly, allows me to also use this photo as a calling card when I wish to apply for the role of Mr. Bond in his next film outing. Meanwhile, in the second photo, I have put my face on Che Guevara, which, equally cunningly, allows me to also use this photo as a calling card when I wish to apply for the leadership of any popular socialist revolutionary movement...
I don't see how today's strategy can fail!
*with thanks for the advice from General Disorder
The job description asked that candidates 'should have at least three years experience as a photo editor on a major newspaper and be expert in Photoshop' and while, perhaps, I should have at least three years experience as a photo editor on a major newspaper, I'm sure they'll understand that I've simply been far too busy doing other things during the last three years...*
The remainder of the job description said that I would have to 'edit photos and affix them to news stories'. Editing the photos sounds like a doddle and, dependent upon whether they want me to use glue, sellotape or blutack, I'm sure I can affix them to the stories with relatively few problems.
I was a bit worried that my CV - being so game-biased - might not show my prospective employers the full potential of my (so far, undeveloped) artistic abilities and, since there was no section to upload anything other than a CV on their website, I had to think on my feet (hopefully my initiative will impress them)! I decided to add an extra page to my CV entitled 'Pictures of Myself I have recently edited' and then affixed two photos I had edited only this afternoon.
Not only that but my choice of photos has a dual purpose - in the first photo I have put my head on James Bond, which, rather cunningly, allows me to also use this photo as a calling card when I wish to apply for the role of Mr. Bond in his next film outing. Meanwhile, in the second photo, I have put my face on Che Guevara, which, equally cunningly, allows me to also use this photo as a calling card when I wish to apply for the leadership of any popular socialist revolutionary movement...
I don't see how today's strategy can fail!
*with thanks for the advice from General Disorder
Friday, September 22, 2006
Job No. 20 - Financial Headhunter
The City of London has long been considered as the financial capital of Europe; it is a world where hundreds of thousands of financial exchanges are made every day and where six figure bonuses have become common place. But it is also a world that teems with too many financial workers, a world where money has subverted Darwinian selection and where only drastic solutions can begin to restore the natural balance. At least, that's the assumption I've made having applied for the job of Financial Headhunter.I imagine that, like the incredibly popular congestion charge, this is another Mayoral policy that is designed to humanely cull the number of financial workers. Head hunting seems to me to be a little on the barbaric side - I would suggest some form of baited trap (perhaps a discarded copy of the Financial Times leading to some poisoned sushi?) - but I am, unfortunately, not the one setting the policy and I suppose they need the heads for purposes of identification.
Due to the fact that head hunting has not been widely practised since the mid-20th century, even amongst South Asian tribesman, I feel my lack of experience in the area need not hold me back. However, my biggest worry is the legality of the whole business - removing heads in any other situation tends to lead to an unpleasant loss of liberty - so I was keen to press the recruitment company for more details in this area especially...
Hi Holly
I wish to apply for the position of Financial Headhunter, as advertised on the Guardian website, and have attached a recent CV for your consideration.
Tinier Update - Evening Gazette Article
There was an article on me today in the Evening Gazette - you can read an online version of the article by clicking here.
Tiny Update - TFM Interview
Well, I've managed to record my second interview for TFM and, again, my good friend Dave is hosting it for me (follow this link if you'd like to hear it - http://www.solsbury-hill.co.uk/Interview2.mp3).
Unfortunately, due to my technical incompetence, I managed to lop the end off the interview so the file ends rather abruptly! I'll try harder next week!
Unfortunately, due to my technical incompetence, I managed to lop the end off the interview so the file ends rather abruptly! I'll try harder next week!
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Job No. 19 - Chief Procurement Officer
Today, I briefly considered applying to be a Customer Insight Executive working for Playboy, but I eventually decided that spending my working days trying to get into the minds of the average Playboy customer might not be an altogether fun job. So, I think I'll wait until Playboy are looking for someone to assist Hugh Hefner with his duties before sending them my CV...
In the meantime, I have a higher cause to serve - I have applied to be a Chief Procurement Officer for the United Nations. I would like to tell you that I read through the job description and recognised in it a set of skills and abilities that I owned, but the sad truth is that I never actually bothered reading through the job description at all - you see it was just far too long. But, in summary, it seems like the main responsibility of a Chief Procurement Officer at the United Nations is to buy things.
Buying things seems like a fairly easy job to me. I have spent the afternoon imagining how free of stress my day-to-day routine would be...
9am - check and reply to email.
10am - read through all my favourite websites.
12pm - procure myself some lunch
2pm - Kofi Annan calls, he's out of digestive biscuits - can I nip down to Tesco and procure him some?
4pm - UN are holding a banquet. I head back out to Tesco and procure them a pack of frozen sausage rolls, some scotch eggs, a packet of Mr Kipling French Fancies and an economy size box of Ferrero Roche (it is officially impossible to have a UN function without these - UN resolution 2789).
5pm - just time to check my email again then I'm off to procure a train ticket home.
I think that I could fit seamlessly into the well-oiled machine that is the United Nations - that I could become an integral procuring cog of the machine that helps ensure that the Security Council never again runs out of Bovril...
In the meantime, I have a higher cause to serve - I have applied to be a Chief Procurement Officer for the United Nations. I would like to tell you that I read through the job description and recognised in it a set of skills and abilities that I owned, but the sad truth is that I never actually bothered reading through the job description at all - you see it was just far too long. But, in summary, it seems like the main responsibility of a Chief Procurement Officer at the United Nations is to buy things.
Buying things seems like a fairly easy job to me. I have spent the afternoon imagining how free of stress my day-to-day routine would be...
9am - check and reply to email.
10am - read through all my favourite websites.
12pm - procure myself some lunch
2pm - Kofi Annan calls, he's out of digestive biscuits - can I nip down to Tesco and procure him some?
4pm - UN are holding a banquet. I head back out to Tesco and procure them a pack of frozen sausage rolls, some scotch eggs, a packet of Mr Kipling French Fancies and an economy size box of Ferrero Roche (it is officially impossible to have a UN function without these - UN resolution 2789).
5pm - just time to check my email again then I'm off to procure a train ticket home.
I think that I could fit seamlessly into the well-oiled machine that is the United Nations - that I could become an integral procuring cog of the machine that helps ensure that the Security Council never again runs out of Bovril...
Special Update - Job No. 18
Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't create a special update simply to tell you how I got on with one of my job applications. But yesterday, I enjoyed such a wonderful series of emails with a recruitment company individual named Steve that I felt I really had to share the correspondence with you:
As you know, I applied for the position of Heavyweight Creative with the following letter:
The reply I received from Steve was fairly standard, recruitment company fare...
Thank you for your application.
On this occasion you have been unsuccessful, however, I have found your CV of interest and have placed it on our internal CV document search engine.
But, I was concerned that I had been dismissed out-of-hand, purely based upon my weight, and that Steve had failed to realise the level of determination I possess so I immediately emailed him back:
I replied, putting his mind at rest, and letting him know that I wasn't going to let six little kilos keep me from taking my place as a Heavyweight Creative:
As you know, I applied for the position of Heavyweight Creative with the following letter:
Hi Steve
Best Regards
The reply I received from Steve was fairly standard, recruitment company fare...
Thank you for your application.
On this occasion you have been unsuccessful, however, I have found your CV of interest and have placed it on our internal CV document search engine.
But, I was concerned that I had been dismissed out-of-hand, purely based upon my weight, and that Steve had failed to realise the level of determination I possess so I immediately emailed him back:
Hi Steve
Hi Oliver,
I totally appreciate your thoughts. Although my hands are tied as our client has set a criteria for us that unfortunately you don't meet at present.
Six kilograms? Now, six kilograms might not seem much to you - but to me, it was becoming a gulf of epic proportions. And so it was with a heavy heart that I wrote back to Steve to ask if I could, perhaps, get back in touch after I'd managed to increase my weight...Hi Steve
I appreciate your candour – and I realise that your client has placed you under this restriction...
Thank you for your offer to keep hold of my CV – perhaps I could keep you in touch up to date with my gain progress and, if I reach the category limitations, maybe we could then re-evaluate my suitability for other heavyweight positions.
I appreciate your honesty in this.
Regards
Hi Oliver,
I hope didn't offend. I am by no means suggesting you aren't a heavy weight designer - believe me I'm not qualified to offer judgment on something like design.
I replied, putting his mind at rest, and letting him know that I wasn't going to let six little kilos keep me from taking my place as a Heavyweight Creative:
Hi Steve
Oliver
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Job No. 18 - Heavyweight Creative
In this enlightened day and age, when it is illegal to discriminate against individuals because of their race or gender and where it will soon be illegal to discriminate because of their age, it seems ridiculous to me that companies are still blatantly advertising for specific aesthetic qualities. Yet, today, that is exactly what I found on the Guardian Jobs website when I discovered the position of Heavyweight Creative.
Intrigued by the job description that asked for someone to "to head up the division, motivate, lead and inspire" I thought maybe I would be in with a shot (after all, I am very inspirational). However, when I looked up the guide to different weights I was incredibly disappointed to find that my current weight of 85kg places me firmly in the cruiserweight category, which is a full 6kg short of attaining heavyweight.
I evaluated my options - I could either choose to start pumping iron and throw myself into a crazy Iron Magazine routine (where I would need to Train like a Barbarian!) or I could just sit on the sofa for a few nights and eat Indian takeaways. The second option sounded more attainable but still I felt uncomfortable - why should I be forced to change the way I look, purely for a job? I decided to apply anyway and question their selection process in my application letter...
Intrigued by the job description that asked for someone to "to head up the division, motivate, lead and inspire" I thought maybe I would be in with a shot (after all, I am very inspirational). However, when I looked up the guide to different weights I was incredibly disappointed to find that my current weight of 85kg places me firmly in the cruiserweight category, which is a full 6kg short of attaining heavyweight.
I evaluated my options - I could either choose to start pumping iron and throw myself into a crazy Iron Magazine routine (where I would need to Train like a Barbarian!) or I could just sit on the sofa for a few nights and eat Indian takeaways. The second option sounded more attainable but still I felt uncomfortable - why should I be forced to change the way I look, purely for a job? I decided to apply anyway and question their selection process in my application letter...
Hi Steve
Best Regards
Oliver.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Job No. 17 - Designer
Sometimes, a job will appeal to you on a professional basis; it's a job you have the skills and/or experience to carry out. Other times, you will find a job that appeals on an emotional level; it's a job that delivers huge amounts of personal satisfaction. But, once in a while, there comes a job that manages to combine both the professional and the emotional - it doesn't happen often but, when it does, you need to make sure you go for it! Which is why today, I've applied to be a Lingerie Designer...
I've been designing video games for twelve years - they're remarkably complex affairs with hundreds and hundreds of pages of (quite anal) gameplay descriptions, object lists, artificial intelligence state diagrams and level maps - so I'm thinking it's surely got to be easier than that to design a pair of panties. And, while a push-up bra represents an altogether different level of difficulty, I'd hope to make my mark in the less cutthroat world of suspenders and girdles before stepping up to playing with the big boys...
In my application letter, I skirted around the fact that I'd never designed a piece of lingerie in my life (although, that's not to say I've never had designs on lingerie!):
Dear Justine
I wish to apply for the position of lingerie designer, as advertised on retailchoice.com
I have more than twelve years design experience, on some of the most successful products of the last decade, and believe I could easily translate my skillset. I have an eye for aesthetics, enjoy working under pressure and believe that the philosophy I have developed in my work over the last twelve years will still stand me in good stead - I believe, if I don't want to play with it, then who else will?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Regards
Oliver.
I felt sure that the my professional attitude came across in the application letter and the philosophy I adhere to when designing games is bound to prove very successful in the world of women's lingerie. However, unlike my time spent in game development, I have no intention of staying up until the early hours of the morning testing the products I've designed...
I've been designing video games for twelve years - they're remarkably complex affairs with hundreds and hundreds of pages of (quite anal) gameplay descriptions, object lists, artificial intelligence state diagrams and level maps - so I'm thinking it's surely got to be easier than that to design a pair of panties. And, while a push-up bra represents an altogether different level of difficulty, I'd hope to make my mark in the less cutthroat world of suspenders and girdles before stepping up to playing with the big boys...
In my application letter, I skirted around the fact that I'd never designed a piece of lingerie in my life (although, that's not to say I've never had designs on lingerie!):
Dear Justine
I wish to apply for the position of lingerie designer, as advertised on retailchoice.com
I have more than twelve years design experience, on some of the most successful products of the last decade, and believe I could easily translate my skillset. I have an eye for aesthetics, enjoy working under pressure and believe that the philosophy I have developed in my work over the last twelve years will still stand me in good stead - I believe, if I don't want to play with it, then who else will?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Regards
Oliver.
I felt sure that the my professional attitude came across in the application letter and the philosophy I adhere to when designing games is bound to prove very successful in the world of women's lingerie. However, unlike my time spent in game development, I have no intention of staying up until the early hours of the morning testing the products I've designed...
Monday, September 18, 2006
Job No. 16 - English Instructor
Well, I was browsing my way through the, ever popular, Divers Jobs website when I happened upon a job of that was truly mind blowing! How a job like this lay hidden away in a dark recess between a Dive Mechanic vacancy and a Volunteer Scuba Journalist position I'll never know! You see, I had found:
English (native) Instructor for the Red Sea...
How was it possible to pass up a vacancy like this? Just think of the plaudits, the fame and the adulation if I were to actually succeed? No one (as far as I know - please feel free to correct me on this) has ever managed to teach even a small body of water the most rudimentary language skills. Therefore, to teach English to a sea that measures over 170,000 square miles is an undertaking of vast proportions...
I knew that, to get a job this special, I would need to write a very impressive application letter:
I am writing to apply for the position of English (native) instructor forthe Red Sea as advertised on the Diver Jobs website – I have attached a photo as requested in the ad.
The job would be based in Sharm El Sheikh and the contract would be for 1-3 years. I'm not sure how much they would have expected me to teach the Red Sea in that length of time but I am hoping to have it, at least, on a conversational par with George Bush...
English (native) Instructor for the Red Sea...
How was it possible to pass up a vacancy like this? Just think of the plaudits, the fame and the adulation if I were to actually succeed? No one (as far as I know - please feel free to correct me on this) has ever managed to teach even a small body of water the most rudimentary language skills. Therefore, to teach English to a sea that measures over 170,000 square miles is an undertaking of vast proportions...
I knew that, to get a job this special, I would need to write a very impressive application letter:
I am writing to apply for the position of English (native) instructor for
Regards
The job would be based in Sharm El Sheikh and the contract would be for 1-3 years. I'm not sure how much they would have expected me to teach the Red Sea in that length of time but I am hoping to have it, at least, on a conversational par with George Bush...
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Job No. 15 - Floating Supernumerary Manager
This was another day when I found, what seemed at first glance, a perfect job until I read through the small print in the advert. Safer Merton Manager sounded wonderful - I imagined that I'd get to protect Paul Merton from harm (perhaps by hiding behind the desk on Have I Got News For You, ready to spring out in the event of dangerous heckling from the audience). But my hopes were dashed when I found that the job actually involved working for Merton Council...
However, my spirits were lifted almost immediately when I stumbled across the position of Floating Supernumerary Manager. Now, I'm not entirely sure whether this would mean that I would be a floating supernumerary manager (but I have purchased a set of armbands to be on the safe side) or whether I'd simply be managing floating supernumeraries. However, I am fully prepared for either eventuality.
I ignored the bit in the advert that said "It is Essential that you have an RGN qualification with an NVQ4, ideally with RMA in care" because I'm sure my other qualities will more than compensate for the lack of paperwork. They asked for a "strong manager" but they failed to clarify just how they intend to test for this in an interview environment - I would suggest the easiest method would be to make the door to the interview room extremely heavy; this way only the strongest candidates would be able to enter. In fact, I did suggest this to them in my application letter...
In addition theyasked for applicants to possess a "quietly, strong manner" (I can be the strong, silent type if I try) and to be "extremely well presented" (I scrub up well, especially in armbands). I am struggling to see how they can fail to at least give me an interview...
However, my spirits were lifted almost immediately when I stumbled across the position of Floating Supernumerary Manager. Now, I'm not entirely sure whether this would mean that I would be a floating supernumerary manager (but I have purchased a set of armbands to be on the safe side) or whether I'd simply be managing floating supernumeraries. However, I am fully prepared for either eventuality.
I ignored the bit in the advert that said "It is Essential that you have an RGN qualification with an NVQ4, ideally with RMA in care" because I'm sure my other qualities will more than compensate for the lack of paperwork. They asked for a "strong manager" but they failed to clarify just how they intend to test for this in an interview environment - I would suggest the easiest method would be to make the door to the interview room extremely heavy; this way only the strongest candidates would be able to enter. In fact, I did suggest this to them in my application letter...
In addition theyasked for applicants to possess a "quietly, strong manner" (I can be the strong, silent type if I try) and to be "extremely well presented" (I scrub up well, especially in armbands). I am struggling to see how they can fail to at least give me an interview...
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Job No. 14 - Part-time Antelope Keeper
Today, following the advice of a user called Jo who posted a comment on the blog, I decided to get in touch with nature and, after a brief perusal of the American Zoo and Aquarium Association job listings, I felt there were really only two options open to me...On one hand, the Nashville Zoo were looking for an Elephant Keeper - it would involve me being responsible for "all aspects of the daily husbandry and management of 0.3 African elephants". This, I have to admit, put me off a little. I hardly think it's fair to offer the job of Elephant Keeper when you only have 0.3 of an elephant to care for. I began to idly wonder whether visitors to the Zoo just see a head and trunk sticking out from a hole in the wall and assume that there is a full elephant just out of sight...
And so, instead, I decided to apply for the position of part-time Antelope Keeper with the Oregon Wildlife Foundation. I was particularly attracted to this position by the prospect of only keeping the antelopes part of the time and have enclosed my application letter in full below:
Dear Sir/Madam
I am applying for the position of Part-time Antelope Keeper, as advertised on the American Zoo and Aquarium Association website.
My only query is with regards to the exact number of antelopes I would be required to keep? In the advert you mention 100 animals – I’m not sure I have enough room for this many and would ideally look to keep no more than nine at any one time (but would be happy to cycle individuals to ensure a fair system).
I noted the job advert has been open since December 2005 so it is likely that, after this length of time searching for a suitable keeper, my proposition will prove very attractive to them...
Friday, September 15, 2006
Job No. 13 - Lap/Pole Dancer
Today I decided to take a break from all these high powered executive positions I've been hunting recently and instead apply for something that was a little more attainable, something more in my purview, something that I had a real chance of securing an interview for - which is why I applied to be a lap/pole dancer at the Angels Club in West Bromwich.
You may now be scoffing at the very thought - after all, you say to yourself, what kind of dancing experience do you really have Oliver? (well, enough to run a festival, that 's for sure!) But, fear not, the advert clearly stated that "Free Pole Dancing Lessons given to unexperienced dancers."
In my application letter I explained that I would need to call upon their kind offer of free pole dancing lessons to bring me up to speed. I also described myself as "I'm 32yrs old but I am frequently told that I look much younger. I am 6' tall with medium length dark, curly hair, very blue eyes, full lips and a good figure." Which is a relatively accurate description that simply omits the fact that I'm male...
I don't possess a pole at home, but there is a lamppost about twenty yards down the street so I have the opportunity to start practising my moves should they ask me to audition. I am, though, currently undecided as to whether I should send them a suitably posed photograph if they request it ;-)
You may now be scoffing at the very thought - after all, you say to yourself, what kind of dancing experience do you really have Oliver? (well, enough to run a festival, that 's for sure!) But, fear not, the advert clearly stated that "Free Pole Dancing Lessons given to unexperienced dancers."
In my application letter I explained that I would need to call upon their kind offer of free pole dancing lessons to bring me up to speed. I also described myself as "I'm 32yrs old but I am frequently told that I look much younger. I am 6' tall with medium length dark, curly hair, very blue eyes, full lips and a good figure." Which is a relatively accurate description that simply omits the fact that I'm male...
I don't possess a pole at home, but there is a lamppost about twenty yards down the street so I have the opportunity to start practising my moves should they ask me to audition. I am, though, currently undecided as to whether I should send them a suitably posed photograph if they request it ;-)
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Job No. 12: Newsreader
I began today with the intention of taking up a suggestion from a user called Purity at the Digital Spy Forums and applying for the position of Forensic Accountant. After all, I'm a huge Gil Grissom and CSI fan and figured that this could be a brilliant means to experience that kind of excitement without wading through bucketloads of gore...
However, upon reading the job description, I was incredibly disappointed to find that there was very little mention of fingerprinting, DNA testing, ballistics or indeed any kind of violent crime scene reenaction (involving mannequins, tomato ketchup and a claw hammer). Apparently dead numbers just aren't given the same degree of importance as dead bodies in the modern criminal justice system...
So, instead, I decided to apply to be a Radio Newsreader with TFM Radio. Now this all came about because, the other day, the producer of the TFM Breakfast Show got in touch with my via my blog and asked if I would like to come on the show and witter on about what I'm up to. I duly did so this morning (a friend has kindly agreed to host an mp3 file of the interview - go here: http://www.solsbury-hill.co.uk/Interview1.mp3 if you'd like to listen to it in full) but, during the email conversation between us beforehand, it was mentioned in passing that TFM are looking for a newsreader. Thus, like some kind of rabid pitbull I refuse to let that mention go! And so, after talking on the radio this morning, the Producer agreed to try and get me an audition! :-)
I have concluded that being a Radio Newsreader must be a great job - all you have to do is read out loud for two minutes every half an hour and you get the remaining fifty six minutes in the hour all to yourself. While everyone else is slaving away you'd be able to drink tea (and dunk biscuits), ride your chair about the office in a wayward fashion, make abstract sculptures out of polystyrene cups, draw rude caricatures of your work colleagues and just generally relax...
However, upon reading the job description, I was incredibly disappointed to find that there was very little mention of fingerprinting, DNA testing, ballistics or indeed any kind of violent crime scene reenaction (involving mannequins, tomato ketchup and a claw hammer). Apparently dead numbers just aren't given the same degree of importance as dead bodies in the modern criminal justice system...
So, instead, I decided to apply to be a Radio Newsreader with TFM Radio. Now this all came about because, the other day, the producer of the TFM Breakfast Show got in touch with my via my blog and asked if I would like to come on the show and witter on about what I'm up to. I duly did so this morning (a friend has kindly agreed to host an mp3 file of the interview - go here: http://www.solsbury-hill.co.uk/Interview1.mp3 if you'd like to listen to it in full) but, during the email conversation between us beforehand, it was mentioned in passing that TFM are looking for a newsreader. Thus, like some kind of rabid pitbull I refuse to let that mention go! And so, after talking on the radio this morning, the Producer agreed to try and get me an audition! :-)
I have concluded that being a Radio Newsreader must be a great job - all you have to do is read out loud for two minutes every half an hour and you get the remaining fifty six minutes in the hour all to yourself. While everyone else is slaving away you'd be able to drink tea (and dunk biscuits), ride your chair about the office in a wayward fashion, make abstract sculptures out of polystyrene cups, draw rude caricatures of your work colleagues and just generally relax...
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Job No. 11 - Guitarist
Today's application was a little more complicated than my previous attempts as I decided to apply to be the guitarist in Thrash Metal band Bleed The Sky.
I have to confess, I'd not heard of this band before but I did a Google news search on 'need guitarist' and came across a news story that said Bleed The Sky had parted ways with their current guitarist and were seeking a replacement. It seemed like too good an opportunity to miss, despite the fact I've never played any Thrash Metal in my life (and am not especially good at all that chugging chord playing stuff). Still, I wasn't going to let that put me off so I plugged the guitar in this morning and chugged away across a backing track (if you want to hear it, you can find it here, it's called Meltdown) to send them a sample of my playing.
For the record, Bleed The Sky look like this:
Which presents an obvious problem because I don't really look like that - and I threw away all my teenage heavy metal t-shirts a long time ago! And, since the application required that I send photos, I had to try and create some photos in my garage to make me look a bit more metal. I didn't entirely succeed (see below):
Ok, so I didn't succeed at all! But if you want to see all three photos you can laugh at them on my myspace profile. Lots of hard work for this one - but when I'm gigging in California with them, it will all be worthwhile!!
I have to confess, I'd not heard of this band before but I did a Google news search on 'need guitarist' and came across a news story that said Bleed The Sky had parted ways with their current guitarist and were seeking a replacement. It seemed like too good an opportunity to miss, despite the fact I've never played any Thrash Metal in my life (and am not especially good at all that chugging chord playing stuff). Still, I wasn't going to let that put me off so I plugged the guitar in this morning and chugged away across a backing track (if you want to hear it, you can find it here, it's called Meltdown) to send them a sample of my playing.
For the record, Bleed The Sky look like this:
Which presents an obvious problem because I don't really look like that - and I threw away all my teenage heavy metal t-shirts a long time ago! And, since the application required that I send photos, I had to try and create some photos in my garage to make me look a bit more metal. I didn't entirely succeed (see below):
Ok, so I didn't succeed at all! But if you want to see all three photos you can laugh at them on my myspace profile. Lots of hard work for this one - but when I'm gigging in California with them, it will all be worthwhile!!
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Job No. 10 - National Coach
It was a tough decision today. I almost applied for the Regius Professorship of Moral and Pastoral Theology at Oxford University because it sounded like it would be such a fun-filled job but I eventually balked at their request for applicants to send in eleven copies of their application form. Eleven! I figured that either Oxford University has a really bad filing system (and eleven copies is the optimum number to ensure at least one reaches them) or they're extremely tight and won't even spring for a bit of photocopying. I know which one my money's on!
So, deciding that I would not be responsible for the destruction of a small Brazilian rainforest just to apply for a job, I instead continued yesterday's Irish theme. Today, I have spread my search into the sporting arena and applied for the position of National Coach for the Irish Cricket Union, as advertised on the ECB website.
Now, maybe I am misunderstanding the complexity of the sport, but I think that coaching cricket sounds like a pretty easy job. I remember playing it as a small child (admittedly, with a bat my father had carved out of an old plank and a tennis ball) and it seemed a fairly simply game to get the hang of...
In summary, if you have the bat then you need to hit the ball somewhere that the fielders can't catch it; if you are bowling (or throwing the ball) then you need to try and get the person with the bat to miss it (and thus hit the three little sticks behind him) and, if you are fielding, then you stand around for much of the day and hope the ball comes nowhere near you. It doesn't seem like there's actually that much to coach really! And, with my sporting background (well, I designed a baseball game once), I'm sure my application will go straight to the top of the pile...
So, deciding that I would not be responsible for the destruction of a small Brazilian rainforest just to apply for a job, I instead continued yesterday's Irish theme. Today, I have spread my search into the sporting arena and applied for the position of National Coach for the Irish Cricket Union, as advertised on the ECB website.
Now, maybe I am misunderstanding the complexity of the sport, but I think that coaching cricket sounds like a pretty easy job. I remember playing it as a small child (admittedly, with a bat my father had carved out of an old plank and a tennis ball) and it seemed a fairly simply game to get the hang of...
In summary, if you have the bat then you need to hit the ball somewhere that the fielders can't catch it; if you are bowling (or throwing the ball) then you need to try and get the person with the bat to miss it (and thus hit the three little sticks behind him) and, if you are fielding, then you stand around for much of the day and hope the ball comes nowhere near you. It doesn't seem like there's actually that much to coach really! And, with my sporting background (well, I designed a baseball game once), I'm sure my application will go straight to the top of the pile...
Monday, September 11, 2006
Job No. 9 - Artistic Director
While browsing through the Guardian jobs (a truly wonderful website for those seeking a slightly out-of-the-ordinary job) I ran across this - Artistic Director for the International Dance Festival Ireland. Obviously, this was the sort of job that my current CV was perfectly tailored for, so I dived straight into an application letter...
I gleefully skipped (in a fashion not entirely dissimilar to Michael Flatley in Riverdance) past the job description's opening gambit - "You will have at least three years' experience in programming professional international contemporary dance - this is essential." - and instead concentrated on the fact that I have experience of working in formal organisational structures and have experience of dealing with the media. I also pointed out that, at the age of seven, I played the part of an orphan boy in an amateur production of Carmen at the Alexandra Theatre in Birmingham. Quite why I chose to highlight this moment now escapes me...
The post requires a "sound and topical knowledge of the international contemporary dance scene" which I'm sure I have, since I've watched (purely accidentally, I must add, in my own defence) an episode of Graham Norton's Strictly Dance Fever. This, I think, is likely to impress the recruitment panel and stand me in very good stead...
I also promised in my covering letter that I would 'bring a fresh approach' and that, with my computer games background, would be able to 'bring the festival into the digital age'. I don't really know what I meant by this but I hope that it makes me sound impressive enough that they fail to notice I've not actually used the word 'dance' anywhere in either the letter or my CV...
I gleefully skipped (in a fashion not entirely dissimilar to Michael Flatley in Riverdance) past the job description's opening gambit - "You will have at least three years' experience in programming professional international contemporary dance - this is essential." - and instead concentrated on the fact that I have experience of working in formal organisational structures and have experience of dealing with the media. I also pointed out that, at the age of seven, I played the part of an orphan boy in an amateur production of Carmen at the Alexandra Theatre in Birmingham. Quite why I chose to highlight this moment now escapes me...
The post requires a "sound and topical knowledge of the international contemporary dance scene" which I'm sure I have, since I've watched (purely accidentally, I must add, in my own defence) an episode of Graham Norton's Strictly Dance Fever. This, I think, is likely to impress the recruitment panel and stand me in very good stead...
I also promised in my covering letter that I would 'bring a fresh approach' and that, with my computer games background, would be able to 'bring the festival into the digital age'. I don't really know what I meant by this but I hope that it makes me sound impressive enough that they fail to notice I've not actually used the word 'dance' anywhere in either the letter or my CV...
Week 1 - Update
Well, today marks the one week anniversary of me having had the idea for writing this blog and, truth be told, it's been a funny old week...
I received a letter back from Cavendish Knights to tell me I've passed the first stage of the male escort selection process - I now need to go to the police station to fill out some form or other and then return it to them to complete things and ensure my profile goes onto their website.
In other news, Cambridge University emailed me a set of particulars for the Graduate Assistant to Stephen Hawking that were not present in the original advert and told me that, if I wished to send a revised covering letter that took these into account, then I could do so until the 22nd September. This leads me to believe they haven't yet read my original covering letter...so perhaps I will create a more flamboyant follow-up...
A number of people have asked me to reconsider my position on applying for Chief Executive of WAGGGS (World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts) and, while I've not been totally swayed yet, I am coming around to the idea that maybe, just maybe, I would make a good voice of girls and young women across the globe. It just might be a tad deeper voice than they were expecting, that's all...
I received a letter back from Cavendish Knights to tell me I've passed the first stage of the male escort selection process - I now need to go to the police station to fill out some form or other and then return it to them to complete things and ensure my profile goes onto their website.
In other news, Cambridge University emailed me a set of particulars for the Graduate Assistant to Stephen Hawking that were not present in the original advert and told me that, if I wished to send a revised covering letter that took these into account, then I could do so until the 22nd September. This leads me to believe they haven't yet read my original covering letter...so perhaps I will create a more flamboyant follow-up...
A number of people have asked me to reconsider my position on applying for Chief Executive of WAGGGS (World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts) and, while I've not been totally swayed yet, I am coming around to the idea that maybe, just maybe, I would make a good voice of girls and young women across the globe. It just might be a tad deeper voice than they were expecting, that's all...
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Job No. 8 - Deputy Director
So there I was, casting my job net far and wide across the internet, when I snagged something big - this was a Moby Dick of a catch, the sort of job that just sounds like it could be so much fun (at least to me anyway!) that I would happily do it for minimum wage!
Perhaps this is an occasion where the job title is loads more interesting than the job itself, but I somehow doubt it...if I get this job I will be Deputy Director, (adopts Buzz Lightyear voice) Exploration of the Universe Division at NASA. How cool is that job title? I mean, can you imagine yourself at dinner parties? "What do you do?" "I'm Deputy Director of the Exploration of the Universe Division". What an ice breaker!
The ad says that you need to be 'recognised in the international science community for research and publications in Ultraviolet-Optical Space Astronomy' but I figured this was just to try and put people off. After all, how many people in the international science community would you recognise? Not many, I'd be prepared to wager (I'm not sure if Patrick Moore counts). So I figured I'd go on the offensive in this area "What do you mean you don't recognise me? How dare you! Clearly you are not abreast of the most recent research and publications in Ultraviolet-Optical Space Astronomy!"
Apparently, applications will be separated into qualified and highly qualified categories. So I'm fairly confident of making the grade. The ad doesn't say whether you get a company rocket or not but I'm keeping my fingers crossed...
Perhaps this is an occasion where the job title is loads more interesting than the job itself, but I somehow doubt it...if I get this job I will be Deputy Director, (adopts Buzz Lightyear voice) Exploration of the Universe Division at NASA. How cool is that job title? I mean, can you imagine yourself at dinner parties? "What do you do?" "I'm Deputy Director of the Exploration of the Universe Division". What an ice breaker!
The ad says that you need to be 'recognised in the international science community for research and publications in Ultraviolet-Optical Space Astronomy' but I figured this was just to try and put people off. After all, how many people in the international science community would you recognise? Not many, I'd be prepared to wager (I'm not sure if Patrick Moore counts). So I figured I'd go on the offensive in this area "What do you mean you don't recognise me? How dare you! Clearly you are not abreast of the most recent research and publications in Ultraviolet-Optical Space Astronomy!"
Apparently, applications will be separated into qualified and highly qualified categories. So I'm fairly confident of making the grade. The ad doesn't say whether you get a company rocket or not but I'm keeping my fingers crossed...
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Job No. 7 - Head Chef
Today, I decided to explore a culinary direction and apply for the position of Head Chef at a new Spanish restaurant that's going to open in Soho called Barrafina. The restaurant is owned by the same people who run the highly successful Fino Restaurant in the West End...
I found the advert on Caterer.com and chose to ignore the third paragraph of the advertisement (which read - "The candidate should have worked as a Head Chef or Sous Chef in high quality restaurants previously.") and concentrate instead on the second paragraph, which stated that "The candidate would not have to have experience cooking Spanish food, but a passion for great raw ingredients, cooked simply is essential."
Assuming that bread counts as a raw ingredient, I have numerous skills in this department. In fact, just taking the three raw ingredients of baked beans, cheddar cheese and bread I am able to instantly conjure up six appetising dishes (beans on toast, cheese on toast, beans and cheese on toast, beans with cheese, cheese sandwich and cheese and beans sandwich). I think these are the type of talents that are needed in the modern restaurant world...
Also, I've watched all these cooking programs and it seems that the Head Chef never actually does any real work - he just wanders around the place, pausing occasionally to look over someone's shoulder and stop them from working, harrying the progress of his workforce by shouting at them to hurry up and then creatively swearing when it looks like it's all going to turn into a huge, unpalatable, disaster. Can someone out there please tell me how this is - in any way - different from being a Producer in the game industry???
I found the advert on Caterer.com and chose to ignore the third paragraph of the advertisement (which read - "The candidate should have worked as a Head Chef or Sous Chef in high quality restaurants previously.") and concentrate instead on the second paragraph, which stated that "The candidate would not have to have experience cooking Spanish food, but a passion for great raw ingredients, cooked simply is essential."
Assuming that bread counts as a raw ingredient, I have numerous skills in this department. In fact, just taking the three raw ingredients of baked beans, cheddar cheese and bread I am able to instantly conjure up six appetising dishes (beans on toast, cheese on toast, beans and cheese on toast, beans with cheese, cheese sandwich and cheese and beans sandwich). I think these are the type of talents that are needed in the modern restaurant world...
Also, I've watched all these cooking programs and it seems that the Head Chef never actually does any real work - he just wanders around the place, pausing occasionally to look over someone's shoulder and stop them from working, harrying the progress of his workforce by shouting at them to hurry up and then creatively swearing when it looks like it's all going to turn into a huge, unpalatable, disaster. Can someone out there please tell me how this is - in any way - different from being a Producer in the game industry???
Friday, September 08, 2006
Job No. 6 - Graduate Assistant
I have a user called Pinkvelvet on the Digital Spy Forums to thank for handing me a link to this and, while the position of Graduate Assistant may sound a tad dull in comparison to some of my more colourful recent applications, it is actually one of the most fascinating jobs I've stumbled across so far in my quest!
Ok, so there are lots and lots and lots of Graduate Assistant positions to be filled - but only ONE Graduate Assistant to Professor Stephen Hawking at his Relativity Group in the Department of Applied Mathematics and Theoretical Physics at University of Cambridge!!!
The job description says I'd get to help prepare seminars and lectures and accompany him on his many travels. Imagine the fun we'd have! I could get answers to all the deep and meaningful questions...is the nature of space-time an emergent phenomena? Can we merge quantum theory and general relativity to form a quantum theory of gravity? And, perhaps most importantly of all, did the RSPCA ever manage to catch up with Schroedinger?
My experience in physics is, I must admit, limited. I studied it until the age of 14 but then had a bit of a falling out with my physics teacher in a discussion about tachyon particles and was told "I hope you're not planning on taking GCSE Physics". So I didn't - I took Drama instead. This means that, while I might not be able to help Steve with his geodesic equations, I can at least put on a bit of a song and dance to cheer him up...
Ok, so there are lots and lots and lots of Graduate Assistant positions to be filled - but only ONE Graduate Assistant to Professor Stephen Hawking at his Relativity Group in the Department of Applied Mathematics and Theoretical Physics at University of Cambridge!!!
The job description says I'd get to help prepare seminars and lectures and accompany him on his many travels. Imagine the fun we'd have! I could get answers to all the deep and meaningful questions...is the nature of space-time an emergent phenomena? Can we merge quantum theory and general relativity to form a quantum theory of gravity? And, perhaps most importantly of all, did the RSPCA ever manage to catch up with Schroedinger?
My experience in physics is, I must admit, limited. I studied it until the age of 14 but then had a bit of a falling out with my physics teacher in a discussion about tachyon particles and was told "I hope you're not planning on taking GCSE Physics". So I didn't - I took Drama instead. This means that, while I might not be able to help Steve with his geodesic equations, I can at least put on a bit of a song and dance to cheer him up...
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Job No.5 - Climate Change Adaptation Advisor
Today marked an incredibly tough decision that made my previous mental tug-of-war (between Broadcast Journalist and Chief Executive of WAGGGS) look like a veritable walk in the park...
In the blue corner we had Climate Change Adaptation Advisor with the WWF while, in the red corner, was the stunningly well-titled Teenage Pregnancy Coordinator with Stockton Borough Council.
I'm not sure how difficult it is to coordinate teenage pregnancies - the job advert didn't really explain how exact my timing would have to be and the numbers of participants involved - but I'm fairly sure it's a job I could manage to get the hang of, given enough time. I'd be a part of the Teenage Pregnancy Steering Group - which sounds like it either involves driving them to the supermarket or herding large groups of pregnant teenagers along Stockton-on-Tees high street.
But, the opportunity to work with the Worldwide Wrestling Federation proved to good to miss out on! I'm not entirely sure why they need someone to advise them on climate change adaptation - perhaps they are worried that too much moisture will affect the quality of the rings, or that global warming could make all forms of lycra-based competition extinct. Nevertheless, I have the suitable project management experience that they've asked for and have sent them my CV post-haste. I neglected to mention that I used to own a pair of lycra shorts and that, at a push, I can manage a 'three-quarter nelson' stranglehold - perhaps I should send them a follow up letter?
In the blue corner we had Climate Change Adaptation Advisor with the WWF while, in the red corner, was the stunningly well-titled Teenage Pregnancy Coordinator with Stockton Borough Council.
I'm not sure how difficult it is to coordinate teenage pregnancies - the job advert didn't really explain how exact my timing would have to be and the numbers of participants involved - but I'm fairly sure it's a job I could manage to get the hang of, given enough time. I'd be a part of the Teenage Pregnancy Steering Group - which sounds like it either involves driving them to the supermarket or herding large groups of pregnant teenagers along Stockton-on-Tees high street.
But, the opportunity to work with the Worldwide Wrestling Federation proved to good to miss out on! I'm not entirely sure why they need someone to advise them on climate change adaptation - perhaps they are worried that too much moisture will affect the quality of the rings, or that global warming could make all forms of lycra-based competition extinct. Nevertheless, I have the suitable project management experience that they've asked for and have sent them my CV post-haste. I neglected to mention that I used to own a pair of lycra shorts and that, at a push, I can manage a 'three-quarter nelson' stranglehold - perhaps I should send them a follow up letter?
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Job No. 4 - Head of Culture
This position caught my eye while scanning through the Guardian job pages again - at first I thought it might be something to do with yoghurt (an industry I've often aspired to) but I soon realised that it was actually an opportunity to lead the 'cultural strategy' of Buckinghamshire County Council.
I'm not entirely sure what cultural strategy is - but it pays at least £68,000 a year, which can't be a bad thing! The requirements are five years at senior level (check - I've managed game development teams for at least that long!), proven ability in strategy management and change management (not entirely sure what the last one is - but I can't believe any project is less stable than some of the FUBAR games I've worked on, so I can manage a lot of change!) , drive and credibility (ok, may struggle on this one a bit).
Apparently, my ' flair, leadership and management skills will be more important than a relevant background' so I'm thinking I've got this one in the bag! How could they possibly turn down such an awe-inspiring candidate? Especially one with such boundless enthusiasm and cultural awareness!
I'm not entirely sure what cultural strategy is - but it pays at least £68,000 a year, which can't be a bad thing! The requirements are five years at senior level (check - I've managed game development teams for at least that long!), proven ability in strategy management and change management (not entirely sure what the last one is - but I can't believe any project is less stable than some of the FUBAR games I've worked on, so I can manage a lot of change!) , drive and credibility (ok, may struggle on this one a bit).
Apparently, my ' flair, leadership and management skills will be more important than a relevant background' so I'm thinking I've got this one in the bag! How could they possibly turn down such an awe-inspiring candidate? Especially one with such boundless enthusiasm and cultural awareness!
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Job No.3 - Broadcast Journalist
Since I started so early this morning, I had time today to peruse the job listings and find myself a second job to apply for today...
Looking through the Guardian jobs site, I was truly tempted to apply for the position of Chief Executive of WAGGGS (World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts). I feel I have a lot to offer young women across the world and that I could be the 'culturally sensitive, global citizen' that WAGGGS are looking for. The £80,000 salary wouldn't go amiss either and, combined with the promise that I would be the "voice of girls and young women across the globe" it was almost too good an opportunity to pass up on. But it seems you have to apply through a recruitment agency and that somehow takes a little of the fun out of the whole thing...
So...I decided to stick with the TV theme I have going here and applied instead for the position of Broadcast Journalist for ITV, working for Tyne Tees TV in Gateshead. I was most disappointed to find out that the application process took place online and that there was no possibility for me to submit a showreel of my broadcasting talents. However I did tweak my CV to maximise my experience of public speaking and working with TV crews (don't tell everyone but I made a brief appearance on the Richard and Judy show once).
Of course, ITV will just be a stepping stone to hosting the News At Ten on the BBC... :-)
Looking through the Guardian jobs site, I was truly tempted to apply for the position of Chief Executive of WAGGGS (World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts). I feel I have a lot to offer young women across the world and that I could be the 'culturally sensitive, global citizen' that WAGGGS are looking for. The £80,000 salary wouldn't go amiss either and, combined with the promise that I would be the "voice of girls and young women across the globe" it was almost too good an opportunity to pass up on. But it seems you have to apply through a recruitment agency and that somehow takes a little of the fun out of the whole thing...
So...I decided to stick with the TV theme I have going here and applied instead for the position of Broadcast Journalist for ITV, working for Tyne Tees TV in Gateshead. I was most disappointed to find out that the application process took place online and that there was no possibility for me to submit a showreel of my broadcasting talents. However I did tweak my CV to maximise my experience of public speaking and working with TV crews (don't tell everyone but I made a brief appearance on the Richard and Judy show once).
Of course, ITV will just be a stepping stone to hosting the News At Ten on the BBC... :-)
Job No.2 - Programme Executive
I have a user named 'Solsbury Hill' on the Guitar Forums to thank for this gem - I posted about my intention to begin this epic quest and he pointed me in the direction of this job, which is a marked departure from my first application!
Basically, the job involves you working for Channel 4 here in the UK and getting to be work in the department responsible for the acquisition of American TV shows. This is a job that I would genuinely enjoy and which I think I could be pretty good at - of course, my problem is I have absolutely no track record in TV. So, a little creativity was required in the CV...
During my time at Sony Computer Entertainment Europe I did some work on second and third party games - so I've turned this into acquisition work. I've also highlighted the fact I am used to working in small, busy team structures (a job requirement) and bigged up my administrative skills.
I applied online and will await further news :-)
Basically, the job involves you working for Channel 4 here in the UK and getting to be work in the department responsible for the acquisition of American TV shows. This is a job that I would genuinely enjoy and which I think I could be pretty good at - of course, my problem is I have absolutely no track record in TV. So, a little creativity was required in the CV...
During my time at Sony Computer Entertainment Europe I did some work on second and third party games - so I've turned this into acquisition work. I've also highlighted the fact I am used to working in small, busy team structures (a job requirement) and bigged up my administrative skills.
I applied online and will await further news :-)
Monday, September 04, 2006
Job No. 1 - Male Escort
Ok, let's just examine that title one more time - 'Male Escort'. I need to say it twice even to myself because it made me smirk the first time...
Now, first things first - this is all above board; I've found a straight, non-sexual male escort agency in the UK. So, those of you who are thinking that I intend to try and prostitute myself for my very first job are (largely) mistaken.
The agency is Cavendish Knights who say that they pay the princely sum of £40 pounds an hour and guarantee that your 'date' will be a minimum of three hours and that your 'client' will pick up all the bills.
So this job application is twofold - first of all, will I come up to their high standards? Tomorrow, I will complete and post my application form along with a photo and a cheque to cover the costs of the agency checking I'm not an axe murderer (I'm not). Secondly, if they do accept me into their escorting fold then things get even more interesting - will any right-minded female pick me to be their date for the evening?
I've always wondered what kind of bloke wants to become a male escort - I just never realised the answer would be 'me'. How will I fare? I'll let you know...
Now, first things first - this is all above board; I've found a straight, non-sexual male escort agency in the UK. So, those of you who are thinking that I intend to try and prostitute myself for my very first job are (largely) mistaken.
The agency is Cavendish Knights who say that they pay the princely sum of £40 pounds an hour and guarantee that your 'date' will be a minimum of three hours and that your 'client' will pick up all the bills.
So this job application is twofold - first of all, will I come up to their high standards? Tomorrow, I will complete and post my application form along with a photo and a cheque to cover the costs of the agency checking I'm not an axe murderer (I'm not). Secondly, if they do accept me into their escorting fold then things get even more interesting - will any right-minded female pick me to be their date for the evening?
I've always wondered what kind of bloke wants to become a male escort - I just never realised the answer would be 'me'. How will I fare? I'll let you know...
And so it begins...
My name is Oliver Davies and, currently, I’m in between jobs…
Actually, I’ve got to confess – I’ve been ‘in-between jobs’ since March of this year (2006) when my idea for a web venture ended up costing me a hell of a lot more money than I’d budgeted and succeeded only in taking my company down with it…
And so, after having spent the last five months applying (and getting turned down) for a whole range of game design and production jobs that I’m perfectly qualified for, I decided I might as well start applying (and getting turned down) for some jobs that I have absolutely no experience or qualifications in but which are either:
a) Interesting
b) Weird
c) Just Plain Stupid
d) Massively Financially Rewarding
e) A combination of one or more of the above...
So, today I embark upon my experiment – to apply for 100 jobs that I’m clearly not suited for and see what happens. I won’t be lying on my CV but I may bend the truth slightly to fit my skills to the prospective job!
Who knows where things will end…maybe I’ll land a dream job (something like writing for TV, Film or comics - or perhaps some TV presenting work.) or maybe I’ll end up doing something that I never thought of. Or maybe I’ll just end up with 100 interesting rejection letters…either way, my quest starts here!
And, if you’re reading this and know of a really cool job that you think I should apply for then feel free to email me and let me know about it…
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