Job No. 19 - Chief Procurement Officer

Today, I briefly considered applying to be a Customer Insight Executive working for Playboy, but I eventually decided that spending my working days trying to get into the minds of the average Playboy customer might not be an altogether fun job. So, I think I'll wait until Playboy are looking for someone to assist Hugh Hefner with his duties before sending them my CV...

In the meantime, I have a higher cause to serve - I have applied to be a Chief Procurement Officer for the United Nations. I would like to tell you that I read through the job description and recognised in it a set of skills and abilities that I owned, but the sad truth is that I never actually bothered reading through the job description at all - you see it was just far too long. But, in summary, it seems like the main responsibility of a Chief Procurement Officer at the United Nations is to buy things.

Buying things seems like a fairly easy job to me. I have spent the afternoon imagining how free of stress my day-to-day routine would be...

9am - check and reply to email.
10am - read through all my favourite websites.
12pm - procure myself some lunch
2pm - Kofi Annan calls, he's out of digestive biscuits - can I nip down to Tesco and procure him some?
4pm - UN are holding a banquet. I head back out to Tesco and procure them a pack of frozen sausage rolls, some scotch eggs, a packet of Mr Kipling French Fancies and an economy size box of Ferrero Roche (it is officially impossible to have a UN function without these - UN resolution 2789).
5pm - just time to check my email again then I'm off to procure a train ticket home.

I think that I could fit seamlessly into the well-oiled machine that is the United Nations - that I could become an integral procuring cog of the machine that helps ensure that the Security Council never again runs out of Bovril...