Job No. 27 - Freelance Field Interpreter

Having recently abandoned my attempts to gain the 6kg necessary to fulfil the role of Heavyweight Creative in a protest against their obvious weightism, I received news of a job vacancy (from a user named EastEnd Lass on the Chatterblog forums) that was even more demanding - a 7.5 tonne driver. I mean, seriously - seven and a half tonnes??? I'd hate to imagine how many doughnuts this would take to achieve...

So, deciding that I would henceforth pass up on all jobs that required 24-hour binge eating, I instead found myself an extremely interesting job that would involve working for the International Criminal Court in the Hague. I can only surmise that the EU having recently extended its Human Rights Acts to cover tracts of agricultural land, since the ICC is advertising that it requires a Freelance Field Interpreter.

I'm assuming the testimony of fields are required on an infrequent basis - hence the freelance nature of the role - but it is area of the law where there is surely considerable potential for growth. Suppose a council wants to build a bypass through a rural area; previously they'd only have had to seek the views of local residents but now there is likely be a requirement to gauge the feelings and opinions of nearby fields. And that's just the start of it - mowing a lawn may well be an infringement of a grasses' right to grow! It's a decidedly tricky area and, to get to the root of the matter, you need high quality interpreters...

On my application form, I was concerned that my technological background may hinder my efforts, so I made sure that I sold myself when prompted to in the appropriate section:

I have always held a deep seated interest in field interpretation and, despite my computer background, I would enjoy the opportunity to work in the field. I am skilled at translating feelings and gestures, and believe that perhaps 95% of field interpretation work is about the visual clues - which auditory interpretation would miss completely. Although I am most experienced in European varieties, I feel I could extend my methods to more exotic climes.

In anticipation of an interview request, I intend to nip round to the park this afternoon and get in some interpreting practice. In silence, I will watch the gentle swirls of grass, the way the blaqdes bend gracefully against the light breeze and, breathing shallowly, will focus hard on what it's trying to tell me...

...unless, of course, it's asleep. Always hard to tell with grass.