Job No. 34 - Guillotine Operator

As long-time readers of my blog will know, I am not adverse to getting my hands dirty if necessary in the pursuit of my working duties - for example, my application to be a Financial Headhunter - but I was a tad concerned about whether I was cut out for the position of Guillotine Operator in Newcastle.

In this era of privatisation, it is no surprise to find that the government are no longer taking responsibility for executions - but even I was a little perturbed when I found out that this vital duty had been contracted out to a printing factory somewhere in Newcastle. I'm assuming this has the advantage of allowing them to act with relative impunity, operating well outside the glare of the media spotlight...

It appears that precision is everything in the modern world of guillotine operation - unlike in the time of the French Revolution, when they were quite happy for you to be in charge of things as long as the head ended up in the basket seven times out of ten, the 21st century guillotine operator must be able to "hit targets." I think this is possibly being a bit too fussy - surely it's the end result that counts?

I had two principal queries - firstly, how precise would I have to be? And secondly, was there still that law that says if the execution is a failure the first time then the person gets to walk free - I couldn't remember if that right was still enshrined in law (well, I didn't realise guillotines were still used - which shows how up-to-date my legal knowledge is!):

Dear Jacqui

I wish to apply for the position of Guillotine Operator, as advertised in the Journal, and have enclosed my CV for your consideration.

I am very familiar with guillotines and their functionality and believe I could be a very effective operator. I fully understand the need to hit targets but was wondering whether the failure to occasionally hit targets is acceptable? Obviously, this depends upon how big the targets are, but I was hoping the firm takes a long-term view on such matters.

Also, as a matter of interest for me on a professional note - in circumstances where a clean cut is not achieved do you prefer to try again immediately or do you have a system in place to ensure that the target is removed from the apparatus and is replaced with a new target?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours Sincerely,

Oliver Davies.

It's not the ideal job it has to be said - but the pay is good and at least there's no possibility of them asking you to take your work home with you at the weekend...