Job No. 38 - Poultry Advisor

Today, I had a most excellent job suggestion emailed to me from Gem - Alcohol Practitioner in Hull...

I have to admit to being sorely tempted - the job asked for "well-motivated, clear thinking, flexible people with sound judgement" (although I must assume that this description only applies prior to imbibing work-related alcohol...) which I think perfectly describes me. There would be "some evening work" required (which is perfectly understandable I think) and on-going training is available (in case you're a bit of a lightweight to begin with...).

However, reading between the lines, it seemed that they were looking for a higher calibre drinker - leading me to believe perhaps an Oliver Reed would be more suited than an Oliver Davies - as they mentioned the ideal candidate will ideally hold "a professional qualification". Therefore, I decided the only option was to work towards the job - getting in some voluntary work in the pubs and clubs of Teesside and applying when I had a larger body of experience (or, after all that beer, possibly just a larger body). Being so impressed by the job I wrote to tell them of my decision:

Dear Steve

I saw the position of Alcohol Practitioner advertised on the Fish4Jobs website and was very interested in the vacancy but felt I wasn't quite experienced enough yet to apply. I intend to put in a serious amount of voluntary work over the next few months so that I am better positioned to join the team and, hopefully, I can contact you then and discuss my options...

Regards

Oliver.

So, with Alcohol Practitioning put to one side for now, I moved onto a random search of the job pages where I found myself an exciting opportunity - Poultry Advisor.

This sounds to me quite a relaxed job as I can't imagine that average chicken or turkey requires a great deal of advice - perhaps they might want to know which type of grain is best to eat if they want to avoid cellulite, or whether the trend this summer is for long feathers or short feathers - leaving me plenty of time to relax, put my feet up and perhaps read a book or two...

In my application letter, I had to make sure I sounded very capable, enthusiastic and the sort of person who takes poultry advising very seriously:

Dear Sir

I wish to apply for the position of Poultry Advisor and have attached my CV for your consideration.

I believe that all livestock, especially poultry, deserves due representation and I find it encouraging that, in Vietnam, such issues are taken so seriously.

I am willing to offer advice on a range of poultry-related issues and believe that I could lend a sympathetic ear to any problems that might arise. I look forward to hearing from you soon...

Regards

Oliver.

Hopefully I will have impressed them with my compassionate nature...

Although, of course, the principal piece of advice I shall be giving the poultry once we reach December is to run as fast as their little legs can carry them...