Job No. 39 - Retail Space Strategist

After the abject disappointment I felt when I was rejected by NASA for the position of Deputy Director, Exploration of the Universe Division, my spirits were lifted today when I spotted another cosmological themed vacancy on the Monster UK website - Retail Space Strategist.

With more and more of the world either developed or in development, it came as little surprise to me to find out that retailers are actively considering how best to reach out and expand their businesses into the Solar System and beyond. It is a little known fact that the world market for futons and strangely shaped lamps reached saturation point during 2002 and, since then, Ikea have been working with the European Space Agency to develop probes that can seek out environments where meatballs and lingonberry juice are valued commodities..

Other retailers are keen to catch up and, in order to do that, they obviously require a wealth of forward thinking, retail space stategists who know their New Looks from their Neutron Stars. The job description asked for "at least two years use of space planning software" but I figured being considered for a NASA position might just help me overcome such small problems...

The only bit about the job that really concerned me was this section:

"Due to the external contact the position will have with retail customers, you’ll often be required to use a company vehicle to make on site visits – to this end it’s important that you have a UK drivers licence."

Now, firstly - just who are these retail customers? Aside from a couple of people orbiting Earth on the International Space Station, there's no one up there - or is there? Just what exactly aren't we being told? Perhaps the conspiracy theorists who would have us believe aliens crashlanded in Roswell in 1947 and have been in contact with Earthly governments ever since are right! Not only that but they are clearly hankering for a quality fitted bathroom from MFI...

But that doesn't worry me so much as the fact that I'll be expected to transport myself and that, to pilot an interstellar starship, you only need a UK driver's license...

I did touch upon my concerns in the section of the application that allowed for additional comments:

I think I would be well suited to this role as I have been interested in space strategy for a number of years and have spent considerable time studying the subject. I am very personable and would be delighted to take part in contacts - or indeed first contacts - with potential retail customers. I possess a full clean driving license but was slightly concerned about the nature of transport - would we have to supply our own transport or would the company provide this and, if so, would this be fully insured or would I need to provide insurance. It's just this, obviously, is a serious financial aspect of the equation.

Hopefully, we'll get the few concerns ironed out and, before too long, I will be boldly going where no man has gone before...to set up a branch of Aldi on Uranus...