Job No. 47 - Director of Fabricated Services

While looking through the US version of CareerBuilder, I thought it might be an idea (after applying to be Head of Medical Affairs the other day) to apply to be an Infectious Disease Pharmacist...

I'd be working for a non-profit medical organisation whose aim is clearly to ensure that they are able to maintain the rate of infectious diseases within the mid-Hudson Valley area of New York and, thus, ensure that they keep their fellow clinics and hospitals in business. However, I wasn't too sure about the idea of exposing myself to all manner of viruses on a daily basis and, I have to admit, my conscience was pricked slightly at the thought of all the innocent customers popping into the pharmacy to grab some shopping, and leaving with a lot more than they bargained for...

So, I took the decision to pass up on infectious diseases and instead look for something else; a job where I would feel more at home, a job where I could put my skills and experience to good use. And, obviously, I earned myself some good karma by ignoring the evil pharmacist job because only a few minutes later I found myself this beauty - Director of Fabricated Services.

Working in the Steel Industry, the job seems to entail directing services that don't actually exist - which seems the chief ingredient necessary for an extremely relaxing working day! I also think it's nice that they've dressed up the title somewhat - after all, Director of Fake Services would have done just as well or perhaps Director Who Lies (although, admittedly, this title may not have narrowed you down quite enough within the corporate structure).

I decided that the only way to impress them was to use a considerable amount of fabrication in my application letter:

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Director of Fabricated Services, as advertised on the Career Builder website.

I have more than twenty years experience in the business of fabrication and believe myself to be something of an expert in this area...

I am an accomplished lecturer and researcher in the area of carbon steel - indeed, my grandfather invented many of the most common forms of carbon steel production - and I have lectured as far afield as Brunei and Papua New Guinea on advanced methodologies. I also provide extensive economic advice to the UK's Prime Minister, Tony Blair and frequently play tennis and lawn billiards with Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott.

More recently, I have been studying requirements for the production of exotic matter, using the pseudo-negative pressure density produced by the Casimir Effect as a template for the creation of non-baryonic particles - which hopefully will lead to the possibility of structural reinforcement of Einstein-Rosen Bridges.

Outside of work, my interests include chess (I am ranked in the world's top ten), endurance swimming (I intend to swim across the Bering Strait next summer) and race driving tuition (I have tutored a number of current Formula 1 drivers including Fernando Alonso). However, I don't allow my private life to interfere or encroach upon my career.

I look forward to hearing from you soon...

Regards

Sir Oliver Davies

With at least eleven direct lies, I'm sure that there was quite enough fabrication in my application letter for them to see that I am definitely the man for this particular job...