Job No. 52 - Psychic Medium

In the past I have come across jobs that seemed interesting, I've come across jobs that looked a possible match and I've even come across the odd job that felt right - but, up until now, I'd never come across a job that was my destiny...

Today, while take an afternoon stroll around the internet, I stumbled across a vacancy for a Psychic Medium in Glasgow (on a Wednesday) - and the advert stated that "Only those who feel that working with the Tarot and the Psychic Arts is their destiny need apply". Well, I have to admit, I wasn't sure whether it was my destiny or not, so I decided that I should check by using the full spectrum of paranormal fortune telling at my disposal.

1) First of all I tried an online tarot reading - which gave me the following answer: "The essence of air behaving as water, such as a refreshing mist"

2) Then I decided that I should try out Stichomancy - which basically involves asking a question and then selecting a random passage from a book which is meant to offer insight. My tome of choice was the Yellow Pages and I received the following answer: "Peking Chef, Chinese Take-away, 01642 767070."

3) Finally, I decided to consult the I-Ching which turned up Hexagram 42 to represent the future giving me the answer. "There will be advantage in every movement which shall be undertaken, and it will even be advantageous to cross the great stream."

Now, this all made perfect sense to me.

First, we have two references to water - a refreshing mist (which clearly relates to the drizzle forecasted tonight in Glasgow) and a mention of 'crossing the great stream' which, I'm sure you'll agree, relates to my need to cross the River Tees in order to get there...

But, the clincher for me was the Stichomancy reading - this was pure dynamite. Peking Chef is a Chinese restaurant and China is in the East - and Glasgow is in the West. Which would seem to be a negative but it's a Tuesday today and Peking Chef is always closed on a Tuesday! Not only that but, my favourite items on the Peking Chef menu are number 15. Singapore Style Rice Noodles, number 11. Curry Sauce and number 12. Chips...and, by using numerology, we can see that my favourite items equal the number 2 (1+5+1+1+1+2= 11 = 1+1 = 2) - with the New Age definition of this number meaning "Hidden influences at work."

I rest my case. I am destined to take this job. I decided I should emphasise this fact within my application letter:

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Psychic Medium, as advertised on your website.

Although my working life has been spent in the field of computer game design, I have always possessed a strong psychic ability and am an expert in the field of tarot cards. I have attached a suitable reference at the base of this email who will be willing to testify to my abilities in this area.

I am especially keen on 22 card spiritual readings, but am also fully capable of performing mundane readings with a full deck. I believe in the use of Orris root and the necessity of a cleansing ritual for cards prior to use (and keep my deck wrapped in purple cloth and within a walnut box for spiritual purity).

As soon as I saw the job I felt a tangible pull to the North West and I felt certain that my destiny lay with you. However, to be on the safe side, I performed a number of rituals to see whether our auras would be properly aligned and I was delighted to find that we would form a natural balance. In my divinations, the name Sam was prominent - I'm not sure if this means anything to you?

I feel certain you will feel the same spiritual bond when you read these words and can sense that I will be hearing from you very soon....

Regards

Oliver.

If ever there was a job that was a cast-iron certainty, surely this is it! Already I can sense strong positive psychic waves telling me to get ready to deliver my spiritual message to the people of Glasgow....

...on Wednesdays.