Job No. 58 - Rap Writer

I found myself a curious vacancy this evening while using the remarkably helpful Simply Hired site (which enables you to search through the jobs of a whole variety of sites) although the actual vacancy was listed on the New Haven version of Craigs List. It seems that someone out there is seeking a Cleavage Model...

"Cleavage Models needed...no sex. Amateurs welcome. Just need a great chest...send picture for consideration..."

I thought this might be a useful area of work for me and so took a couple of sample pictures - but, if I'm honest, my cleavage was a little on the disappointing side. Perhaps it's simply a case of practice and, once I've sorted out my angles properly, I'll be able to show off my chest in its best light...but, until then, I think I'll pass on the cleavage modelling...

So, instead, I turned to the Atlanta version of Craigs List, where I found an advert for the position of Rap Writer. The heading asked 'Can you write for a rapper?' - which is something I'm sure I could do when I'm not writing their songs for them. I am hopeful that this is not a sad indictment of rapper literacy levels but is, instead, merely a testimony to how busy life is for the modern rapper - they have such a hectic schedule that they need to hire people to write things like shopping lists, telephone numbers, etc. However, aside from these mundane writing chores, the position also required the writing of songs:

"I am looking for a Songwriter that can write a rap for an aspiring artist...You will be paid for this service."

I liked the fact that you will be paid for this service - for a moment I thought I was going to be doing this purely out of the kindness of my heart - and I'm sure that I can deliver suitable raps for an aspiring artist. I decided that, in my application, I should include an exciting rap verse that would pique their curiosity and get them coming back for more...I just needed a subject to rap about...

And then, as I sat on the sofa, pondering deeply what subject would prove universal enough to bridge the physical and cultural gap of the Atlantic, I realised that I needed to rap about something that everyone could relate to whether they were young or old, black or white, rich or poor, male or female. So I decided I would rap about cheese...

[Verse]
Girls they flock to me, all wantin' somma my cheese,
I let them talk their talk, but they can just breeze.
They can hustle up close, try an shake ma tree,
But no cheddar for you babe, you don't get my brie.
Only girl who gets it is one who wouldn't ask,
Gotta find me that honey, ain't no easy task,
Cos girls love cheese and girls love dough
You think they hang around me cos they likin' my flow?
Crowd me like a marathon on Queensborough Bridge,
But I know she just a digger wit her eyes on ma fridge.
Well honey I hate to havta take the wind outta your sail,
You ain't gettin your hands on ma Wensleydale.
Eyes on ma cheese, but that's all you gettin,
Try to touch my cheddar, baby you gonna regret it...

I sent off my rap effort - secure in the knowledge that they would appreciate my ability to generate rap about vital and exciting topics - but shortly afterwards was perturbed to discover during a perusal of the 'Rap Dictionary' that the word Cheese has the following common meaning within the rapping community:

cheese

money; material wealth. "Big pimpin' spendin' cheese" -- Jay Z (Big Pimpin')

-may be referred to as cheddar. "keep your money, she make her own cheddar, all she want from me is respect like Aretha" -- Wyclef Jean (To All the Girls)

I am now concerned that all my hard work may have been wasted and that they may inadvertently misinterpret my glorious ode to the wonders of fermented dairy products (and the dangers of girls who are only interested in you because of it) as an altogether more tawdry and avaricious verse. Perhaps I should send them a follow-up email to clarify matters?