Job No. 61 - Pirate

Today, while looking through the various recruitment sites, I decided to explore a nautical theme as I discovered a vacancy for a Tugboat Mate with Moran Towing.

This sounded an interesting proposition as I was certain that it would be quite good fun to be employed to be friends with a tugboat. Having watched more than a few episodes of Theodore Tugboat (quite why, escapes me) I knew that tugboats could make excellent companions - after all, from what I've seen they tend to be cheerful, chirpy and extremely resourceful...

However, just as I was putting pen to paper (metaphorically, at least), I had a disturbing thought. What if, contrary to my expectations, Moran Towing were not looking for a mate, as in a friend, but a mate as in the biological sense? What if they were hoping I could assist them in breeding a flotilla of baby tugboats?

Since I wasn't sure that I could cope with the rigours and demands of nautical intercourse I cast my net far and wide to find something more suitable and, while trawling through Simply Hired, I found one particular staffing company kept on popping up on my radar - Pirate Staffing Employment Agency.

Pirate Staffing were looking for a wide variety of pirating positions; plumbers, labourers and warehouse assistants were all catered for; but I was hoping for something a bit more - well, how can I put this? - seafaring...

I assume that they don't advertise the really juicy vacancies on their website since the pirating business is very clique but figured that, if I was to impress them, I needed to show them my jib had the right cut and that I wasn't merely a land lubber. Which was a problem because, after a brief rummage in my wardrobe, I realised that I don't possess a single pirate outfit...

Luckily, the same skills that almost got me a job as a Photo Editor came into play - I grabbed some eyeliner and mascara, took a photo of myself and them spent ten minutes in Photoshop pasting my face onto Johnny Depp's (my sincere apologies to Mr. Depp and his many admirers - but this was an emergency) to create my own pirate portrait...

This, I stuck into the back of my CV, knowing that they would be suitable impressed when they found it. I then crafted an application letter that hinted at my interest in the more 'colourful' vacancies they weren't able to talk about on their website:

Dear Sir/Madam

I saw your company mentioned on the Simply Hired website and would be interested in utilising your services to find suitably gainful employment. I have attached my most recent resume with this email.

I am particularly interested in any specialist marine vacancies you might have; I was hoping that you might have some additional openings other than the ones you have listed on the 'Looking For Work' section of your website. After all, I understand that sometimes it isn't prudent to advertise every position you cater for...

I am hard working, loyal and not adverse to getting my hands dirty; I realise that times have changed somewhat in the employment market you cater for but I hope that you will recognise my skills and see fit to employ me in a position suiting my credentials and demeanour.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards

Oliver.

Hopefully, Pirate Staffing Employment Agency will recognise my inherent pirating potential and will soon be inviting me to climb aboard...