Job No. 62 - Community Archaeologist

Today I found a job on the Monster UK site which I felt was a remarkably good fit for me, considering my current financial situation - Debt Advisor.

Having managed to build up some quite severe debts over my time, I felt sure that I could be perfectly placed to dispense advice to other people looking to get into debt. My immediate recommendations would be to take out at least five credit cards (to maximise the amount of debt you can rack up before they all get put on hold) before then 'reconfiguring' your credit card debts into one composite, and rather handy, bank loan. It is at this point that mere amateurs would be thinking about throwing in the towel but, to a pro like me, this is just the time to start spending on all those credit cards again so that you establish a true mountain of debt...

And that's before we get onto the intermediary level debt advise (utilise as many of the 'buy now - pay next year' offers as you can to ensure your finances are massively crippled) and the true advanced techniques (in one final act of debt fuelled madness, get a loan from somewhere less than reputable and use this money for online gambling). I'm sure I could be a great help...

However, I decided not to apply as I was worried about the long-term future of the position. News reports today say that over 300 people a day are going bankrupt in the UK - so it would seem that plenty of people are capable of managing without professional advice...

Instead, I thought I would apply for a position that promised excitement, intrigue and adventure - Community Archaeologist for the Cardiff School of History and Archaeology...

I have very fond memories from my childhood of the first two Indiana Jones films and so leapt at the chance to don a battered fedora hat and to dig my bullwhip out of the loft. The position would be based in the Welsh village of Cosmeston - and, while it sounds like a sleepy little idyll, I'm sure (if they need an archaeologist) then they must be undertaking a project riddled with perils such as falling boulders, pits filled with spikes and strange cursed artefacts...

Opening the job application form I was shocked, and yet somewhat pleased, to see that the entire document featured a range of strange encoded text - which was obviously some kind of cryptic test for prospective candidates. For example, immediately after 'Application Form', was written "Ffurflen Gais" - and this pattern could be seen throughout the form; every set of words was mirrored by this intriguing code. I think it may possibly be some form of Ancient Sumerian sub-dialect...

I decided in my supporting statement to mention the code and to impress upon them my preparedness for the job (while cunningly trying to find out if the Nazis were in any way involved):

I have a deep love of history and archaeology and feel that I could bring a great deal to this position. Like yourselves, I also have more than a passing interest in Ancient Sumeria and the sub-dialects of the period...

I am physically fit - which I believe is essential - and can supply the majority of my own equipment and provisions (although there are a few items I don't currently possess and would hope to be able to obtain). I enjoy confronting problems and think it is important to portay archaeology in the correct light - too many people have read Dan Brown books and fail to realise what a serious world it can be.

It would be of considerable assistance to me if you could let me know the exact goals of the project at an early stage as I would like to begin research (in order to be prepared). It would also be helpful to know what resistance, if any, I am likely to face - it is my understanding there are some foreign parties with interests in this area.

I decided not to send them a picture of me in my fedora as I didn't want to get them too excited at this stage (I'll save it for the interview), but I'm certain that - in a few weeks time - I'll be in the Vale of Glamorgan; dangling over ravines, dodging poisoned arrows, saving endangered maidens and snatching priceless relics from beneath the noses of my rivals...