Job No. 64 - Sandwich Artist

While on my regular job scouting expedition on the Guardian website I came across an interesting vacancy that is further proof, if anymore was needed, that the NHS is in a somewhat shambolic state at the moment - Head of Procurement for NHS Blood and Transplant...

It seems that, with blood banks running low on supplies, the NHS has decided to take drastic action in order to ensure they can keep up with demand and employ somebody tasked with getting hold of the required parts and bodily fluids with no questions asked. I'm sure that, given a bit of time, I could come up with some good ideas - from the legal (giving clubcard points or air miles for donating blood) through to the shady (siphoning off blood from existing NHS patients when its obvious they don't really need it) and the entirely illegal (mobile blood banks patrolling the streets, ever ready to steal a couple of pints from the unwary pedestrian). As for transplants; well, I have a whole host of ideas but none of them are really savoury enough to be printed here...

So, deciding to avoid such a vampiristic opportunity, I continued to peruse the recruitment sites before stumbling upon a vacancy that was identical to one that had been suggested to me only a couple of weeks ago. It felt very wrong to dismiss such an obvious portent, and so I determined that, if fate was demanding that I applied to be a Sandwich Artist then that was just what I was going to do - apply to be a Sandwich Artist for Subway in San Mateo, California...

I wasn't entirely sure whether the position required you to create sandwich based art, or (and it's a subtle but important distinction) to create art from sandwiches. Now, I thought long and hard about this before coming to the conclusion that the creator of sandwich sculptures would have to deal with a whole range of problems including staleness of products and mold - and thus, unless you were Damian Hirst (and prepared to display your art suspended in a tank of formaldehyde), it would be a very short lived work of art. Thus, it seemed sensible to assume that they wish to employ someone who can create sandwich based art. And I think I might just be that man.

First impressions count and I knew that, with fierce competition a given for a position like this, I needed to hit them with both barrels blazing - serve them up with something so impressive that they'd be fools to turn me down. So, at the back of my CV I decided I'd give them a quick glimpse into my sandwich art portfolio...

Firstly, I wanted to show a true classic - the Mona Lisa, just as she's about to tuck into a cheese and pickled onion sandwich - but, I wanted to let them know that I'm not just about the classics and that I can also create artistic works that reflect a more modern sensibility. Thus, I also created and included a vaguely Warhol-esque work that I've decided to dub 'Sandwich x6'

I feel certain that once Subway realise what a range of talents I could bring to the position, they will be quick to snap me up and commission me to produce a raft of culinary inspired masterpieces...