Job No. 68 - Branding Manager

By the time I came to hunt for jobs today, I was more than a little peckish - indeed, I'd go so far as to say that I was in fact rabidly hungry - so it came as little surprise to me that almost all of the first batch of jobs I found this evening seemed to centre on food. And, while I could resist the idea of being a chef (having already applied to be a Head Chef), I found it much more difficult when I saw that Dunkin Donuts were looking for a Donut Finisher...

Now, I've finished my fair share (and possibly a couple of other people's fair shares) of donuts in my time and, while currently only of amateur status, I felt sure that I could take the step up to the big league and turn professional. I assume that, at the end of the working day, Dunkin Donuts prefer to have someone to finish off any of the remaining donuts that are hanging around...

However, my appetite for the position faded somewhat when I realised that Dunkin Donuts weren't just keen on me polishing off the superfluous donuts at the end of the day - oh no! It seems they want someone to finish a broad range of baked products, as the job description promised that role would include:

"Finishing donuts, baking muffins, bagels, croissants, cookies..."

Now, while it all sounds very attractive, I began to question just what would be the effect of eating such a large amount of sweet bakery goods each and every day. And, the answer appears to be that I'd get fat. Not just podgy, not just pleasantly plump, but seriously obese - thigh rubbing, several bellied, obese - and having been really good about my weight for a couple of years now, I decided it would probably be best to avoid temptation and look elsewhere...

Which led me to discover a position that illustrates just how divisive the current software industry can be. It seems that some companies are not content with just keeping a beady eye on new employees, but instead are making moves to permanently mark them so that rival employers are aware of their affiliation - evidenced by the position of Branding Manager for Microsoft.

Branding has been commonplace in the cattle industry since the Middle Ages and was generally used as a means of identifying who owns a particular piece of cattle; which allowed cattle to be released to graze on the free range. Microsoft, ever keen to learn from the lessons of history, are obviously intent upon utilising a similar method in order to allow their employees to travel to business conferences and tradeshows while remaining easily identifiable when it comes time to round them up. After all, in much the same way that most cows look pretty much alike, IT staff tend to share broad similarities and a decent branding can often be the only means of distinguishing between, for example, two database programmers...

However, I was a little surprised that Microsoft - proud bearers of the flag of technological innovation - were so keen on the traditional 'hot iron' approach to cattle - sorry, staff - identification when more modern (and less painful) methods such as RFID chips are widely available. I can only surmise that either Microsoft are intent on being as tight fisted as possible or that they are complete and utter sadists (although, there are some who, having used their software, would argue that they are most likely both).

Having submitted my resume, I'm certain I'll stoke their interest and they'll soon mark me as a hot prospect for this position...