Job No. 71 - Director of Information Security

Today was one of those days where the world of suitable jobs greatly impinged upon my ability to carry out any work on my unsuitable job applications - hence the reason why I'm writing this so late and why, in all likelihood, by the time I actually manage to post it, it will be after midnight! Not only that but I'm also feeling a little under the weather...however, ever determined to complete my quest, I have battled through a strong desire to simply go to sleep and taken a brief tour of the various recruitment sites...

I feel there is little explanation needed for why I felt the position of Retail Sleep Counselor with Mattress Discounters to be particularly appropriate at this moment in time, save to say that I feel exceptionally well placed to promote the benefits of slumber right now. Mattress Discounters claim to be:

"...the pioneer of the specialty sleep shop."

Now, I'm not totally sure what a specialty sleep shop is but it sounds a great place - if they had one around here, I can just imagine nipping in for a brief lie down and nap before heading off to buy the groceries at Tesco - but I'm afraid that being surrounded by beds all day in the workplace would likely prove too much of a temptation for me and I'd end up sleeping on the job...

So, instead, this evening I have decided to apply to be a Director of Information Security; a job that surely can't be as easy as it sounds since it pays £100,000 a year. Frankly, for £100k a year, I'd memorise the documents for them and then shred, burn and bury the originals...

In my application letter I let them know that, not only do I have a professional attitude but also, I have a number of ideas on improving the standard of information security.

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Director of Information Security, as advertised on the Times website, and have attached a recent resume for your consideration.

Quite aside from a strong technical background and experience of leading and managing development teams, I also have many ideas on how to improve security. For example, adopting a 'terrorist cell' mentality and compartmentalising knowledge at every turn can only be a good thing. In addition, I would recommend random stop and searches of employees (preferably involving sodium pentothal and/or a degree of physical coercion) and also bend the rules on privacy in order to protect company assets.

I trust you will give my application serious consideration and look forwarding to hearing from you soon...

Regards

Oliver.

I'll save my ideas on employee torture for the interview - after all, I want to play some of my cards close to my chest...