Job No. 72 - Sustainability Manager

Today, feeling quite a bit better than I did yesterday (after a comprehensive treatment of Earl Grey tea and Apple & Blackberry pie), I found locating a job considerably less taxing...

I was listening to John Humphrys the other day on Radio 5, talking about his new book on grammar, and he was rather concerned about the standard of modern teachers. Noting that he knew of an English teacher who had written on a pupil's essay "you could of written this more neatly" he suggested all was not well in the world of teaching. Now, it would be all too easy to dismiss his worries about standards as the ramblings of a grumpy old man were it not for the fact that recent reports suggest that 79% of science teachers can't adequately explain gravity, 54% of English teachers struggle to define a split infinitive, 27% of maths teachers avoid talking about algebraic equations and 93% of metalwork teachers are unable to dress themselves (without considerable assistance).

However, it would appear that educational authorities are rather concerned about this issue themselves - as can be seen by their attempt to recruit a Tutor in Teacher Education.

I imagine that the job would involving giving out remedial lessons to teachers to bring their standards up to the minimum level and then being available to help out in difficult situations - for example, when a pupil asks a question that deviates from the list of facts the teacher has memorised for that particular subject. However, I finally decided against applying as I felt it could be an altogether too frustrating assignment...

Consequently, I have decided this evening to apply to be a Sustainability Manager for the North East Assembly.

In its own words, the North East Assembly is:

"...the regional planning body with statutory responsibility for planning, transport and housing at the regional level..."

Which sounds a rather vague sort of organisation to me - I imagine lots of money being funnelled away into ever stranger projects - but I don't really mind as they're prepared to pay a salary of upto £40,000 per year...

Reading between the lines of the job description, I could tell that they were looking to recruit a Sustainability Manager in order to plot a means by which the North East can become entirely self sufficient, withdraw from the United Kingdom and establish itself as an independent, democratic republic. It is possible that their computer generated predictions suggest that the exporting of Stottie Cake could allow them to build up a considerable trade surplus.

I had a hard time squeezing too many of my ideas into the limitations of the application form but still managed to suggest the conversion of St. James' Park into arable land (although some would argue their football this season has already been rather agricultural!), the rebuilding of Hadrian's Wall (to establish a necessary security cordon to the North) and the need for intensive investment into Stottie Cake production sites and infrastructure...

I'm sure that the North East Assembly will recognise the brilliance of my thinking and will soon be signing me up to help them map out the future of the North East as a sovereign nation state.