Job No. 74 - Exposures Coordinator

While I still have plenty of University work to keep me busy, I received an email this morning that sent me the details of a currently vacant position in Manchester - Exposures Coordinator working for Cornerhouse...

It was the sort of job opportunity I felt was too good to miss out and so, putting aside my work on Client and User Centred Solutions for a few minutes, I flexed my writing muscles and dug out my slightly dusty CV (which I immediately updated to include 'Currently studying an MA in Creative Digital Media').

Random flashing has long since been the bane of the North West but, it appears that the International Centre for Contemporary Visual Arts and Film has been hardest hit - the problem isn't so much the public nudity as the fact that said nudity is sporadic at best; indeed, it's quite possible for Manchester to go for a few days without any exposing occurring, only for three exposures to then take place within the space of an hour. Frankly, this kind of behaviour just isn't helpful to the local aesthetics...

The job only involves two days per week work - I'm not sure whether one gets to choose which days (and must schedule exposures around them) or whether one's working schedule is simply a slave to public nudity. However, I do have some interesting thoughts on how to improve coordination while also, in keeping with the ethos of Cornerhouse, inspire the wider public to interact:

• Utilising modern technology. I intend to use email to organise exposures and perhaps even borrow from the 'flash mob' culture and introduce the concept of 'flash flashing'
• Screening of exposure candidates. This is after all the 21st century - there are certain aesthetic standards which one must strive to uphold. Chiselled torsos, perky breasts and honed physiques are in - flabby bellies, wrinkly bottoms and varicose veins are right out. Those who fall into the latter category will be encouraged to take part in 'at-home exposure' nights...
• Provision of heating units. It can get rather nippy in Manchester as the nights draw in and this, surely, must have a negative effect on people's willingness to get involved; thus I'd ensure large heating units were erected to offer a more welcoming environment for those wishing to shed their clothing.

In my application statement, I was asked to 'sell yourself as the best person for the job' - which is exactly what I did:

I believe, with my extensive media-focused project management experience, I could assist greatly as an Exposures Coordinator.

I think Cornerhouse needs to firmly grasp opportunities offered by modern communication technologies and look into ways in which levels of involvement could be improved by adoption of new and innovative systems.

I also feel that a degree of filtering of candidates will serve to very much improve the quality of offerings in the long-term and assist in further raising the level of prestige associated with the event.

I'm sure that my extensive experience, forthright views and innovative ideas will help me stand out from the crowd and, maybe, my time at University will be cut short as I'm whisked away to Manchester to ensure people can strip off with no fear of scheduling confusion...

Important Blog Announcement

Well, I'm afraid things are going to be changing a little around here...

As you may know, as well as applying for unsuitable jobs, I've been applying for some suitable jobs as well - but, I've had absolutely no luck, no least because the highest qualification I possess are A-levels. So, when I was offered the opportunity to join a one year MA course at the University of Teesside, I jumped at the chance. Of course, I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to afford it but I'll just have to find a way because - with a proper qualification - it should be possible to get the lecturing position I'd really like.

So, where does this leave the blog, I hear you ask?

Don't worry, I'm not going to abandon my quest - but I'm afraid that, because I'm joining the MA course six weeks late, I'm going to be pretty snowed under with course work for a bit (until I catch up). So, I'm not going to be able to post a blog every day for a while, the updates will be a little bit more sporadic.

I hope you'll understand the reasoning behind my decision and that you've enjoyed the last 73 days of unsuitable jobs...

Job No. 73 - Head of Service

One of the great mysteries in science is a huge gravitational anomaly that lies in the direction of the Hydra and Centaurus constellations; scientists are unsure exactly what it is but it seems to be pulling vast swathes of the known Universe towards it - they've nicknamed it The Great Attractor.

In much the same way, tonight I found that my job seeking efforts were pulled inexplicably towards Lincolnshire. I'm not sure whether (like one of the theories about the cause of The Great Attractor) it could have been dark matter or whether it was just simply a cosmic coincidence but, either way, I had a hard time deciding between tonight's two vacancies...

The position of Head of Service - Provision Planning for Lincolnshire County Council sounded quite tempting; working with Children's Services I'd get to be in charge of provisions - which I hoped would be organising food for picnics rather than deciding the content of school dinners, which frankly is not a fun job - you end up with irate Jamie Oliver on one side, telling you to make the dinners healthy, and irate parents on the other side telling you to give them chips (or, failing that, simply shoving them through the school bars).

However, I found a second Head of Service position with Lincolnshire County Council that held even more interest for me - Head of Service - Strengthening Families Services.

As an occasional gym goer (usually when my willpower wins out over my common sense) and a keen amateur nutritionist, I feel that I am well placed to offer families tips on bodybuilding and weightlifting. Obviously Lincolnshire County Council is hoping to combat the rising threat of morbid obesity by funding a programme designed to boost the physical fitness of the inhabitants of Lincolnshire...

The old methods of just telling people to exercise are now out-of-date but I have a raft of new and innovative ideas - from the installation of televisions that are powered by exercise bikes (you want to watch Eastenders? You've got to pedal for it!) through to the complimentary dispensation of anabolic steroids and boosting community spirits by engaging neighbours in tug-of-war matches across the garden fence. I made sure I detailed this in my application statement when asked what I would bring to the role:

I believe that I could bring a great many innovative ideas to this position in order to help the Council achieve its targets. The standard intervention model is really a thing of the past and I feel that new approaches need to be taken to meet the goals of the program. I think that rewarded development can be part of the solution, as can external inputs, although to truly engage with families we need to develop links between communities - which will serve to both foster relationships and strengthen families.

I'm fairly confident about this one - I'm preparing some exercise plans even as we speak so I'll be ready to impress them with my gym session ideas at the interview...

Job No. 72 - Sustainability Manager

Today, feeling quite a bit better than I did yesterday (after a comprehensive treatment of Earl Grey tea and Apple & Blackberry pie), I found locating a job considerably less taxing...

I was listening to John Humphrys the other day on Radio 5, talking about his new book on grammar, and he was rather concerned about the standard of modern teachers. Noting that he knew of an English teacher who had written on a pupil's essay "you could of written this more neatly" he suggested all was not well in the world of teaching. Now, it would be all too easy to dismiss his worries about standards as the ramblings of a grumpy old man were it not for the fact that recent reports suggest that 79% of science teachers can't adequately explain gravity, 54% of English teachers struggle to define a split infinitive, 27% of maths teachers avoid talking about algebraic equations and 93% of metalwork teachers are unable to dress themselves (without considerable assistance).

However, it would appear that educational authorities are rather concerned about this issue themselves - as can be seen by their attempt to recruit a Tutor in Teacher Education.

I imagine that the job would involving giving out remedial lessons to teachers to bring their standards up to the minimum level and then being available to help out in difficult situations - for example, when a pupil asks a question that deviates from the list of facts the teacher has memorised for that particular subject. However, I finally decided against applying as I felt it could be an altogether too frustrating assignment...

Consequently, I have decided this evening to apply to be a Sustainability Manager for the North East Assembly.

In its own words, the North East Assembly is:

"...the regional planning body with statutory responsibility for planning, transport and housing at the regional level..."

Which sounds a rather vague sort of organisation to me - I imagine lots of money being funnelled away into ever stranger projects - but I don't really mind as they're prepared to pay a salary of upto £40,000 per year...

Reading between the lines of the job description, I could tell that they were looking to recruit a Sustainability Manager in order to plot a means by which the North East can become entirely self sufficient, withdraw from the United Kingdom and establish itself as an independent, democratic republic. It is possible that their computer generated predictions suggest that the exporting of Stottie Cake could allow them to build up a considerable trade surplus.

I had a hard time squeezing too many of my ideas into the limitations of the application form but still managed to suggest the conversion of St. James' Park into arable land (although some would argue their football this season has already been rather agricultural!), the rebuilding of Hadrian's Wall (to establish a necessary security cordon to the North) and the need for intensive investment into Stottie Cake production sites and infrastructure...

I'm sure that the North East Assembly will recognise the brilliance of my thinking and will soon be signing me up to help them map out the future of the North East as a sovereign nation state.

Job No. 71 - Director of Information Security

Today was one of those days where the world of suitable jobs greatly impinged upon my ability to carry out any work on my unsuitable job applications - hence the reason why I'm writing this so late and why, in all likelihood, by the time I actually manage to post it, it will be after midnight! Not only that but I'm also feeling a little under the weather...however, ever determined to complete my quest, I have battled through a strong desire to simply go to sleep and taken a brief tour of the various recruitment sites...

I feel there is little explanation needed for why I felt the position of Retail Sleep Counselor with Mattress Discounters to be particularly appropriate at this moment in time, save to say that I feel exceptionally well placed to promote the benefits of slumber right now. Mattress Discounters claim to be:

"...the pioneer of the specialty sleep shop."

Now, I'm not totally sure what a specialty sleep shop is but it sounds a great place - if they had one around here, I can just imagine nipping in for a brief lie down and nap before heading off to buy the groceries at Tesco - but I'm afraid that being surrounded by beds all day in the workplace would likely prove too much of a temptation for me and I'd end up sleeping on the job...

So, instead, this evening I have decided to apply to be a Director of Information Security; a job that surely can't be as easy as it sounds since it pays £100,000 a year. Frankly, for £100k a year, I'd memorise the documents for them and then shred, burn and bury the originals...

In my application letter I let them know that, not only do I have a professional attitude but also, I have a number of ideas on improving the standard of information security.

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Director of Information Security, as advertised on the Times website, and have attached a recent resume for your consideration.

Quite aside from a strong technical background and experience of leading and managing development teams, I also have many ideas on how to improve security. For example, adopting a 'terrorist cell' mentality and compartmentalising knowledge at every turn can only be a good thing. In addition, I would recommend random stop and searches of employees (preferably involving sodium pentothal and/or a degree of physical coercion) and also bend the rules on privacy in order to protect company assets.

I trust you will give my application serious consideration and look forwarding to hearing from you soon...

Regards

Oliver.

I'll save my ideas on employee torture for the interview - after all, I want to play some of my cards close to my chest...

Week 10 - Update

Well, this morning marks two highly impressive blog-related milestones...

Firstly, this is now the 10th week anniversary of the blog - ten weeks ago today I'd not yet had the idea to apply for 100 unsuitable jobs (the eureka moment was still a few hours away). Oh how things have changed, eh? Well, actually not an awful lot - after all, I still have no job and no money! And, as for the second milestone, well - as luck would have it - this is my one hundredth posting on the blog. See, I told you you'd be impressed!

I felt as if I should celebrate somewhat (perhaps a cup of tea and a fudge cookie?) and decided that I would let you in on my newly-created Amazon wish list (packed with hi-tech, high priced goodies) in case there are any benevolent millionaire types reading who feel like spoiling me. May I also remind said benevolent millionaire types that my birthday is now only just over a month away and that joint 100th blog posting/birthday presents are acceptable...

In other news, there's going to be another article on my blog in the local newspaper - although, unlike the last one, I've not had any input into this one so I'm a little worried as to how I'll be portrayed. The last article made me sound quite nice, whereas it's entirely possible this new one could make me sound like a complete raving lunatic (and there's little I hate more than when the press tells the truth!).

Finally, in job news, I'm afraid the Irish Cricket Union has turned down my application to be their National Cricket Coach. Well, all I can say is, if they don't win the next Cricket World Cup, I hope they don't come crying to me, begging me to solve their problems. I'm sorry Ireland, you've had your chance!

Job No. 70 - Top Gun Conference Planner

This evening I discovered an interesting vacancy on the Guardian jobs website that appeared to offer a lot to a creative individual like myself - Prison Exit Officer.

Now perhaps this is a symptom of the huge changes that have occurred within the prison system, or even of the raft of human rights legislation that has been drafted over the course of the last decade, but it would appear that not only can the modern prisoner expect to have access to playstations, get paid to play scrabble and eat three course meals but also they no longer even have to suffer the stress of planning their own escape attempts...

Back in the (good) old days, prisoners would have to rely upon their own ingenuity in order to effect an escape - creating moulds of keys from an old bar of soap, constructing ropes from twisted sheets and sketching maps of the prison sewer system inside bibles - but in the 21st century, this type of freethinking is discouraged. This is due, in part, to health and safety rules; there is a concern that a prisoner who, while making a key mould from a bar of soap, slips on said soap and injures himself could sue the prison service for extensive compensation. Thus, it is far safer for prisons to have a member of staff on hand that can organise escapes by the safest means possible - preferably by simply signing off on paperwork that says they've been rehabilitated and are ready to rejoin the community...

And so, when it dawned upon me that my plans of re-enacting scenes from Colditz were destined to come to naught, I realised that I should turn my attention to something else - more specifically - to the idea of applying to be a Top Gun Conference Planner for Wolters Luwer Health.

I'm not entirely sure why a medical information service wants to plan a conference for the US Navy Fighter Weapons School but, I'm certain it's something I could handle. I imagine, quite apart from the complex scheduling of flights, a great deal of care has to be taken to hire the right sized room as, with so many huge egos in one place, things could get a little cramped (and that's not even counting my own!). Catering is also a vital aspect since it is well known in military circles that the US Navy Fighter Weapons School refuse to eat anything other than salmon & cucumber sandwiches (with the crusts removed), pickled onions and sponge cake...

The job application asked for candidates to possess extensive experience in a range of Microsoft software (which, strangely enough, I have) but, rather worryingly, did also require candidates to possess a - frankly - phenomenal level of manual dexterity:

"...who can juggle and keep 15 balls in the air..."

I have to admit - I can't juggle at all (apart from that fake juggling thing where you throw one ball while passing a second between hands while the first is in the air) and I can't believe that any amount of practise is going to get me to that level of competence (indeed, the world record for juggling doesn't even approach this standard!). Consequently, in my application letter, I asked that they find it in their hearts to overlook my failings in this area:

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Top Gun Conference Planner and have attached a recent version of my resume for your consideration.

I have extensive experience of project and conference management, am familiar with a broad range of industry standard software, possess excellent communication skills and can prioritise my own work and set, and achieve, deadlines.

My levels of manual dexterity are a little below the standards you may be hoping for but I would like to think my strengths in other areas will compensate for this particular shortcoming. However, it is an area I am committed to practising and improving upon...

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards

Oliver.

Hopefully they'll be in touch with me soon so I can help organise their Top Gun conference, or indeed any kind of military air force get-togethers...

Job No. 69 - Workforce Transformation Manager

In the modern business world, while it may be acceptable for managers to make the mundane decisions, when it comes to the more vital and important decisions, blue chip companies will more than likely call in outside help to steer them in the right direction...

In the 21st century, management consultants are considered to be a little too 1990s and a new trend has emerged that sees industry basing its decisions on the use of psychics and crystal balls - at least, that is what I assumed when I saw an advertisement for an Oracle Consultant.

I envisaged sitting there in a darkened room, perhaps dressed in some kind of shawl, while the leading lights of British business take it in turns to come in and cross my palm with silver (or just simply left a big fat suitcase full of money). In return, I'd peer into my crystal ball or maybe do a bit of hydromancy (or both for only 50% more!) and tell them what lay ahead for them in the future. I'm certain this kind of random decision making is likely to be more successful than the managerial blundering we usually associate with many British companies...

However, despite the salary being perfectly adequate, my head was today turned by another vacancy - Workforce Transformation Manager.

My head filled with images of Trinny and Susannah, I imagined a job where I would be able to work cosmetic miracles and improve the aesthetics of the British workforce. And, while transforming the looks of office workers was interesting, I was more intrigued by the idea of taking a public workforce - for example, the police, and then working to make them happier with their visual appearance...

The standard British police uniform is remarkably dull; for an example, see this picture - in which we can see two police officers, with the officer on the left particularly ill at ease with his fashion sense. I feel that we could transform the police force by outfitting them in some pastel shades that will make them look a little less formal and perhaps replacing the police helmet (which is so 1800s) with a jaunty cap worn at an angle. And then there's the whole accessories problem - I mean, handcuffs? Batons? Maybe alright if you're going to an S&M do, but darling, not for the High Street - instead I think the police should be looking at high waisted metallic belts, Balenciaga sunglasses and Karl Lagerfeld's Chanel bag for 2007...

Ideally we'd want to get someone like Jean-Paul Gaultier in to completely reinvent their whole look but, with police funding the way it is, we'd probably be lucky if the finances stretched to new socks from Primark.

And so, with my application posted, I am now flicking through a copy of Vogue magazine - making sure I'm up-to-date with the latest developments in the fashion world and ready to transform workforces at a moment's notice...

Job No. 68 - Branding Manager

By the time I came to hunt for jobs today, I was more than a little peckish - indeed, I'd go so far as to say that I was in fact rabidly hungry - so it came as little surprise to me that almost all of the first batch of jobs I found this evening seemed to centre on food. And, while I could resist the idea of being a chef (having already applied to be a Head Chef), I found it much more difficult when I saw that Dunkin Donuts were looking for a Donut Finisher...

Now, I've finished my fair share (and possibly a couple of other people's fair shares) of donuts in my time and, while currently only of amateur status, I felt sure that I could take the step up to the big league and turn professional. I assume that, at the end of the working day, Dunkin Donuts prefer to have someone to finish off any of the remaining donuts that are hanging around...

However, my appetite for the position faded somewhat when I realised that Dunkin Donuts weren't just keen on me polishing off the superfluous donuts at the end of the day - oh no! It seems they want someone to finish a broad range of baked products, as the job description promised that role would include:

"Finishing donuts, baking muffins, bagels, croissants, cookies..."

Now, while it all sounds very attractive, I began to question just what would be the effect of eating such a large amount of sweet bakery goods each and every day. And, the answer appears to be that I'd get fat. Not just podgy, not just pleasantly plump, but seriously obese - thigh rubbing, several bellied, obese - and having been really good about my weight for a couple of years now, I decided it would probably be best to avoid temptation and look elsewhere...

Which led me to discover a position that illustrates just how divisive the current software industry can be. It seems that some companies are not content with just keeping a beady eye on new employees, but instead are making moves to permanently mark them so that rival employers are aware of their affiliation - evidenced by the position of Branding Manager for Microsoft.

Branding has been commonplace in the cattle industry since the Middle Ages and was generally used as a means of identifying who owns a particular piece of cattle; which allowed cattle to be released to graze on the free range. Microsoft, ever keen to learn from the lessons of history, are obviously intent upon utilising a similar method in order to allow their employees to travel to business conferences and tradeshows while remaining easily identifiable when it comes time to round them up. After all, in much the same way that most cows look pretty much alike, IT staff tend to share broad similarities and a decent branding can often be the only means of distinguishing between, for example, two database programmers...

However, I was a little surprised that Microsoft - proud bearers of the flag of technological innovation - were so keen on the traditional 'hot iron' approach to cattle - sorry, staff - identification when more modern (and less painful) methods such as RFID chips are widely available. I can only surmise that either Microsoft are intent on being as tight fisted as possible or that they are complete and utter sadists (although, there are some who, having used their software, would argue that they are most likely both).

Having submitted my resume, I'm certain I'll stoke their interest and they'll soon mark me as a hot prospect for this position...

Minor Update - TFM Interview

This week I have been considerably more efficient than normal and have managed to sort out yesterday's TFM interview already. So, if you missed it yesterday and would like to hear how I got on (I ditched last week's pre-interview preparation and reverted to a 100% off-the-cuff approach again!) then you can do so by going here: http://www.solsbury-hill.co.uk/tfminterview9.mp3

Job No. 67 - Satellite Technician

Maybe it was because the radio was playing 'Intergalactic' by the Beastie Boys, but today I was inspired to look to the stars for my job application and so, while touring the Simply Hired recruitment site, I was delighted to find that Northern Trust were advertising for a particularly exciting position - Non-Resident Alien Tax Manager...

The job description asked that you possess "knowledge of the non-resident tax areas" and I felt that my grounding in astronomy could serve me well here, at least in getting my up to speed but I was a little wary as these sort of areas tend to be quite complex. I imagine that taxation for aliens throws up a number of thorny issues - for example, are they exempt from paying VAT as non-residents? And are they able to claim a fuel allowance when on official business (such as abducting people)?

And, just I was beginning to think that maybe this wasn't the right job for me I thought about the clientele - imagine having to tell him that he hadn't filed his annual accounts in a proper and timely fashion?

So, leaving aliens and their taxes behind, I saw a vacancy on Career Builder for a Satellite Technician. Now, when I think of spaceflight I have to admit that I tend to think of Cape Canaveral in Florida rather than Boise in Idaho, but this particular position with Star West Satellite demonstrates that interstellar industry is obviously branching out...

I was a little disappointed at the quality of the wage ($9-$15 per hour) considering that the job requires you to 'install satellites' but I figured that the sheer thrill of journeying into space on a regular basis would serve to compensate for this drawback. The exact mechanics of transport weren't dwelled upon in the job advert so I decided to enquire about this in my application letter:

Hi Chris

I am very much interested in the position of Satellite Technician, as advertised on career builder, and have forwarded you an up-to-date copy of my CV.

I have considerable technical knowledge in the area, although as of this moment it has been of a theoretical nature as I have not had the opportunity to have hands-on experience in the field. Nevertheless, I am confident I could deal with the complexities of the job with minimal training.

One aspect of the job I was interested to know more about was whether the transport was provided by the company or whether you would be expected to make your own way to a job site?

I trust you will give serious consideration to my job application and look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Regards

Oliver.

Hopefully I'll get a positive response from Star West Satellites and, within a couple of weeks, I'll be blasting off to mess around with some satellites; actually, I hear they need the Hubble Telescope fixed - a couple of spanners and a phillips screwdriver and I'm sure I'd have it sorted in no time...

Job No. 66 - Leakage Project Co-ordinator

Well, after a day where I was unable to post an unsuitable job application because I was dealing with some suitable job possibilities (don't worry, dear reader, they came to nothing!), normal service is very much resumed today! However, I realised that my lack of job posting yesterday means I am now back on schedule since I applied for jobs 2 and 3 on the same day. Therefore, my revised finish date (if I've done my calculations properly) is December 13th...

So, after spending some time scouting for intriguing possibilities on Monster, I found a job that seemed to perfectly suit my indolent tendencies - Key Holder, working for Tuesday Morning Inc.

Now this seemed like it would be a particularly easy job. At 9am you come into work - you pick up the key and hold it; 12pm you put the key down (or pass it to an assistant key holder) so you can go for lunch, before returning at 1pm, fully refreshed and ready to hold the key until 5pm when it's time to clock off and go home. Nothing to it, I thought to myself - until I read the candidate requirements:

"Candidates must...be able to comfortably lift up to 50lbs."

Bloody hell, I thought to myself, that's some key. No wonder they need to hire somebody to hold it full-time; you wouldn't be able to just clip that one on your belt and wander off. Suddenly, the position lost all attractiveness - the idea of lugging a 50lb key (that's probably three foot long) around all day made me feel tired just thinking about it...

So, instead I took the advice of Jo who messaged me on Myspace to give me a heads up on an interesting job she had spotted - Leakage Project Co-ordinator, working in Berkshire...

With billions of gallons of water lost to leakages ever year in the UK, it seems that water suppliers just aren't happy - hence the need to employ a full-time co-ordinator to ensure that more leaks are created. I'm not sure whether they are creating leaks because they can then obtain government funding to repair them or if it's just simply a case that the water suppliers get bored, have nothing to do and nowhere to go and have turned to vandalism as a way out from the drudgery of their own existence. Alternately, it may be that water companies are in the business of sabotaging their rivals networks (in the hope the rival will lose their license and the vandals can move in and take charge). However, regardless of the cause, the job description showed they meant business:

"As a Leakage Project Coordinator it will be your primary function to coordinate the delivery of Leakage lead projects within each region to time, cost and quality requirements."

I envisaged that I'd drive around Berkshire, stopping here and there to unscrew a pipe or (if a major leak is called for) sledgehammer a water main - or perhaps, as a co-ordinator, I'd be able to stay nice and warm in the office and send out my leak causing minions to wreak havoc on the water grid. But, regardless of how my day would be organised, I was sure it would be a lot of fun.

Coincidentally, I recently had a small leak under my kitchen sink and managed to solve this particular problem with a set of spanners, a complete lack of DIY knowledge and several rolls of kitchen towel - I felt sure this was the sort of experience that I needed to detail in my application letter, to let them know that I've worked on similar things before...

Hi Natalie

I wish to apply for the position of Leakage Project Co-ordinator, as advertised on your website, and have attached a recent CV.

I have a strong background in managing complex technical projects and dealing with large budgets. In addition, I believe I could assist in dealing with the leakages and also ensure that they are properly co-ordinated.

I believe I could take the lead in delivering leakage solutions - whether big or small. I have some recent leakage experience, which I dealt with personally in a timely manner with minimal costing to the desired quality.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards

Oliver.

Hopefully, my email will trickle across the internet to arrive in Natalie's inbox tomorrow morning - and, before long, she's bound to be gushing with enthusiasm about my leakage potential! Now, I did consider creating an extensive final paragraph of water leakage puns (i.e. don't want to sound a drip, she'll be running to show people, etc.) but decided against it as I didn't wish to be seen plumbing such depths...

Suitable Job Update

Now, normally, I wouldn't mention a suitable job on this blog but, I thought I'd tell you a little story so you can see how frustrating my life can sometimes be...

As you know (if you read my first post!), before I began writing this blog I'd been working in the videogame industry for twelve years as a game designer and producer (the last five of them as a freelancer). So, a week or so before I started my quest to apply for 100 unsuitable jobs, I sent off an application to be a Lecturer in Game Development with a University...

This was a very suitable job, since not only have I worked in the game industry but I've also lectured part-time at the University of Teesside on a couple of their modules (such as game design, game production, etc.). However, today I received a phone call from the University's HR department asking why I'd left the degree section of the application form blank.

"Erm...because I haven't got a degree." I explained. "I left University after my first year to become a game designer..."

Which buggered it, I'm afraid. They liked my application, they said; they were extremely impressed with my game development experience and thought I was a very strong candidate. But the absence of a piece of paper (even a 2.2 would have been ok) means I am removed from the shortlist. Oh well...

It would appear that someone up there is determined to make sure that I see this blog through to the very end.

Job No. 65 - Pet Counselor

I decided to apply for today's job not because it offered a fantastic salary (it doesn't), nor even because it's based in a fantastic location (although, admittedly, Florida is marginally more fantastic than Ingleby Barwick) but, instead, because I knew that it would allow me to help the needy in their times of trouble. So, really, there was no hesitation when it came to applying to be a Pet Counselor for Petland in Delray Beach...

In 1953, the world was a very different place - TV was still a relatively new media, the era of home computing was decades away and mobile phones were a thing of science fiction; it was a time where job related stress hadn't been invented, where there were no alcoholics (just people who liked a good drink) and where homosexuality was very much still in the closet (and firmly padlocked there, thank you very much). It was a different world, and one where mental problems were frowned upon and quite often ignored. And so it comes as little surprise that, in the unsympathetic climate of 1953, a comprehensive survey carried out by Gallup to determine the state of the nation's pets revealed that only the smallest fraction (4% of dogs, 1.5% of cats) were prepared to admit to any kind of psychological disorder...

But times have changed. The world of 2006 gallops along at a much faster pace and, if you can't keep up, it's all too easy to find yourself falling by the wayside. In these enlightened times, we accept that it's not easy being a domesticated animal and that pets have to deal with the same weaknesses and worries as us humans. And, with stresses and addictions running at an all time high, a return survey in 2005 revealed that almost 80% of pets are now dealing with a mental disorder - with 26% believing they are living with multiple psychological disorders...

The job description mentioned that 'pet knowledge is desired but is not required as training will be given' - although quite why sales experience will be useful, I'm not sure. Perhaps you need to do sales pitches for treatment sessions? I wasn't sure why they were so insistent I be prepared to wear a Petland uniform and carry out cleaning of animal living spaces either. However, not one to quibble over such minor details, I focused on the main job at hand...

As a pet counselor I expect that I'll be dealing with a variety of traumas as I get pets on my couch - anorexic dogs, gender confused rabbits, cats with a crack problem, even sex addicted budgies - but I'm sure I can help them no matter what it is that ails them. Utilising an experimental hybrid approach that encompasses traditional Freudian psychoanalysis and cognitive-behavioural therapy, I'm certain that I can get to the root of their problems and help them reintegrate into society.

All I needed was to be given a chance - so I made sure my application made Petland aware of just how dedicated I was to this particular cause:

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Pet Counselor, as advertised on Regional Help Wanted and have attached a recent resume for your consideration.

I am deeply committed to the ideal of being a pet counselor and, aside from possessing a strong retail background I possess a keen interest in a variety of treatments including psychoanalysis and cognitive-behavioural therapy. I believe that I could make a difference to pets and help ensure that they can live lives free of psychological problems and addictions.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards

Oliver

With my application sent, it is now simply a case of waiting for Petland to ask for my assistance. After all, somewhere out there, a guinea pig with a compulsive disorder needs my help...

Week 9 - Update

This morning I am mostly drinking strong tea and listening to a G3 album in the hope that the combination of caffeine and over-the-top widdly guitar music will somehow manage to kick start my brain into action. Have to confess, it doesn't seem to be working yet...

If you missed it yesterday, I put last week's TFM interview online (it's a bit strange) so feel free to have a listen!

Also, I heard back from a newspaper with regard to the idea of turning my blog into a column - unfortunately, it's not looking that likely at the moment. The thing is, they'd like to see me getting some interviews, maybe even some job offers - which is a tad problematic considering I am applying for unsuitable jobs. If only I had possessed the forethought to apply for jobs I was capable of getting quite easily, I'm sure it would have been a much simpler task to obtain a column (although, I fear the blog may have been marginally less interesting).

In other news, not content with playing with make-up last week, it seems that I also write like a woman. Well, at least, that's if you believe the Gender Genie, an online text analysis tool that predicts your gender from the text you input. Having seen it mentioned on littleredboat, I decided to feed in a couple of my blog postings and it seems that jobs 64 and jobs 59 are quite clearly the work of a female. I'm not quite sure what all this means but I figured that it would probably be best to shave my legs and develop a passion for shoes, just to be on the safe side...

Job No. 64 - Sandwich Artist

While on my regular job scouting expedition on the Guardian website I came across an interesting vacancy that is further proof, if anymore was needed, that the NHS is in a somewhat shambolic state at the moment - Head of Procurement for NHS Blood and Transplant...

It seems that, with blood banks running low on supplies, the NHS has decided to take drastic action in order to ensure they can keep up with demand and employ somebody tasked with getting hold of the required parts and bodily fluids with no questions asked. I'm sure that, given a bit of time, I could come up with some good ideas - from the legal (giving clubcard points or air miles for donating blood) through to the shady (siphoning off blood from existing NHS patients when its obvious they don't really need it) and the entirely illegal (mobile blood banks patrolling the streets, ever ready to steal a couple of pints from the unwary pedestrian). As for transplants; well, I have a whole host of ideas but none of them are really savoury enough to be printed here...

So, deciding to avoid such a vampiristic opportunity, I continued to peruse the recruitment sites before stumbling upon a vacancy that was identical to one that had been suggested to me only a couple of weeks ago. It felt very wrong to dismiss such an obvious portent, and so I determined that, if fate was demanding that I applied to be a Sandwich Artist then that was just what I was going to do - apply to be a Sandwich Artist for Subway in San Mateo, California...

I wasn't entirely sure whether the position required you to create sandwich based art, or (and it's a subtle but important distinction) to create art from sandwiches. Now, I thought long and hard about this before coming to the conclusion that the creator of sandwich sculptures would have to deal with a whole range of problems including staleness of products and mold - and thus, unless you were Damian Hirst (and prepared to display your art suspended in a tank of formaldehyde), it would be a very short lived work of art. Thus, it seemed sensible to assume that they wish to employ someone who can create sandwich based art. And I think I might just be that man.

First impressions count and I knew that, with fierce competition a given for a position like this, I needed to hit them with both barrels blazing - serve them up with something so impressive that they'd be fools to turn me down. So, at the back of my CV I decided I'd give them a quick glimpse into my sandwich art portfolio...

Firstly, I wanted to show a true classic - the Mona Lisa, just as she's about to tuck into a cheese and pickled onion sandwich - but, I wanted to let them know that I'm not just about the classics and that I can also create artistic works that reflect a more modern sensibility. Thus, I also created and included a vaguely Warhol-esque work that I've decided to dub 'Sandwich x6'

I feel certain that once Subway realise what a range of talents I could bring to the position, they will be quick to snap me up and commission me to produce a raft of culinary inspired masterpieces...

Special Update - TFM Interview

Last week's TFM interview is now available to listen to as an mp3 - but, I have to warn you that it's slightly unusual...

Ok, so normally what happens with my TFM interviews is that, about ten minutes before they ring me, I remind myself of the jobs I've applied for in the last week but, aside from that, I don't prepare any notes, I just improvise based upon what I'm asked. However, in the week prior to the interview, one of the jobs I'd applied for was Rap Writer and I was sure that Graham would ask me to tell him a few lines of my rap - so I figured I'd write a couple of lines down so I wouldn't sound stupid!

And, having done that, I thought to myself - why not make some short notes on each of the jobs? It sounded like a good idea at the time but, the end result was that I ended up babbling so much that poor Graham hardly got a word in on his own show (sorry Graham!). If you listen to the interview, you may get the impression that I complete most of it on only one breath!!

So, the bottom line is, I'm going to abandon any attempts at preparation and go back to my old haphazard approach! If you'd like to have a listen, you can do so here: http://www.solsbury-hill.co.uk/tfminterview8.mp3

Job No. 63 - Golf Course Ranger

I always enjoy it when I find a job that is clearly trying to dress itself up; a job with which the duties are obviously quite mundane and where the organisation has decided to make it look more important by simply giving it a particularly fancy title...

A case in point is a vacancy I found on The Times job website - New Openings Director for Premier Travel Inn - which can only be a doorman position that has been spray painted in gold and then had a couple of pretty pink ribbons attached. Admittedly, the salary is rather high for a doorman, but it is just another example of the way in which companies are making tedious jobs sound more attractive by giving them a trumped up name. Consequently, despite the £100k salary on offer, I decided to favour substance over style and instead hunt for a job in which I would be the owner of a job title entirely free of obfuscation...

Having enjoyed J.R.R Tolkien's Lord of the Rings considerably, I was nearly overwhelmed with joy when I saw a position that would enable me to join of the most elite groups mentioned within the book - Golf Course Ranger with the Hyatt Regency Hill Country Resort...

The Northern Rangers were one of the most secretive organisations in Middle Earth - led by Aragorn during the time of Lord of the Rings - and there is little available information on what happened to them after the fall of Sauron. However, it is now clear that at least some of their number have moved into the protection of golf courses in the Texas area.

Tom Bombadil had the following to say about Rangers:

"Few now remember them...yet still some go wandering, sons of forgotten Kings walking in loneliness, guarding from evil things folk that are heedless."

Now, having played a few rounds as a child on Sandwell Municipal Golf Course, I can assure you that the golf course can indeed be an environment in which heedless folks need guarding from evil things (in fact, I'm not entirely sure whether I may have been playing my round behind a couple of Orcs the last time I was there). In addition, I felt sure that being equipped with the Sword of Anduril would not only allow me to deal with any Balrogs I might encounter but, also, act as a clear deterrent to players who might otherwise take too long on their tee shots...

In my application, I wanted to let the Hyatt Regency Hill Country Resort know that I appreciated the gravity of the position being offered and that, despite only being paid $6.75 an hour, I would be honoured to bear the famous cloak of the Rangers; ever ready to prevent marauding hordes of Uruk-Hai from disturbing patrons on the greens:

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Golf Course Ranger and have attached my most recent resume for your consideration...

I appreciate the importance of the role and believe that I would be capable of upholding the fine and venerable traditions.

I believe guests at the golf course need to feel safe and secure within the environment and the Golf Course Ranger can help ensure that is the case so that guests can enjoy their experience without worrying about unnecessary interruptions to their play.

I would be proud to don the Golf Course Ranger uniform and do my utmost to guard both the courses and the heedless.

Regards

Oliver.

With my application sent, I now await my call to arms - ready to oppose the forces of evil and aid the vulnerable of Texas, both on the green and in the rough...

Job No. 62 - Community Archaeologist

Today I found a job on the Monster UK site which I felt was a remarkably good fit for me, considering my current financial situation - Debt Advisor.

Having managed to build up some quite severe debts over my time, I felt sure that I could be perfectly placed to dispense advice to other people looking to get into debt. My immediate recommendations would be to take out at least five credit cards (to maximise the amount of debt you can rack up before they all get put on hold) before then 'reconfiguring' your credit card debts into one composite, and rather handy, bank loan. It is at this point that mere amateurs would be thinking about throwing in the towel but, to a pro like me, this is just the time to start spending on all those credit cards again so that you establish a true mountain of debt...

And that's before we get onto the intermediary level debt advise (utilise as many of the 'buy now - pay next year' offers as you can to ensure your finances are massively crippled) and the true advanced techniques (in one final act of debt fuelled madness, get a loan from somewhere less than reputable and use this money for online gambling). I'm sure I could be a great help...

However, I decided not to apply as I was worried about the long-term future of the position. News reports today say that over 300 people a day are going bankrupt in the UK - so it would seem that plenty of people are capable of managing without professional advice...

Instead, I thought I would apply for a position that promised excitement, intrigue and adventure - Community Archaeologist for the Cardiff School of History and Archaeology...

I have very fond memories from my childhood of the first two Indiana Jones films and so leapt at the chance to don a battered fedora hat and to dig my bullwhip out of the loft. The position would be based in the Welsh village of Cosmeston - and, while it sounds like a sleepy little idyll, I'm sure (if they need an archaeologist) then they must be undertaking a project riddled with perils such as falling boulders, pits filled with spikes and strange cursed artefacts...

Opening the job application form I was shocked, and yet somewhat pleased, to see that the entire document featured a range of strange encoded text - which was obviously some kind of cryptic test for prospective candidates. For example, immediately after 'Application Form', was written "Ffurflen Gais" - and this pattern could be seen throughout the form; every set of words was mirrored by this intriguing code. I think it may possibly be some form of Ancient Sumerian sub-dialect...

I decided in my supporting statement to mention the code and to impress upon them my preparedness for the job (while cunningly trying to find out if the Nazis were in any way involved):

I have a deep love of history and archaeology and feel that I could bring a great deal to this position. Like yourselves, I also have more than a passing interest in Ancient Sumeria and the sub-dialects of the period...

I am physically fit - which I believe is essential - and can supply the majority of my own equipment and provisions (although there are a few items I don't currently possess and would hope to be able to obtain). I enjoy confronting problems and think it is important to portay archaeology in the correct light - too many people have read Dan Brown books and fail to realise what a serious world it can be.

It would be of considerable assistance to me if you could let me know the exact goals of the project at an early stage as I would like to begin research (in order to be prepared). It would also be helpful to know what resistance, if any, I am likely to face - it is my understanding there are some foreign parties with interests in this area.

I decided not to send them a picture of me in my fedora as I didn't want to get them too excited at this stage (I'll save it for the interview), but I'm certain that - in a few weeks time - I'll be in the Vale of Glamorgan; dangling over ravines, dodging poisoned arrows, saving endangered maidens and snatching priceless relics from beneath the noses of my rivals...

Job No. 61 - Pirate

Today, while looking through the various recruitment sites, I decided to explore a nautical theme as I discovered a vacancy for a Tugboat Mate with Moran Towing.

This sounded an interesting proposition as I was certain that it would be quite good fun to be employed to be friends with a tugboat. Having watched more than a few episodes of Theodore Tugboat (quite why, escapes me) I knew that tugboats could make excellent companions - after all, from what I've seen they tend to be cheerful, chirpy and extremely resourceful...

However, just as I was putting pen to paper (metaphorically, at least), I had a disturbing thought. What if, contrary to my expectations, Moran Towing were not looking for a mate, as in a friend, but a mate as in the biological sense? What if they were hoping I could assist them in breeding a flotilla of baby tugboats?

Since I wasn't sure that I could cope with the rigours and demands of nautical intercourse I cast my net far and wide to find something more suitable and, while trawling through Simply Hired, I found one particular staffing company kept on popping up on my radar - Pirate Staffing Employment Agency.

Pirate Staffing were looking for a wide variety of pirating positions; plumbers, labourers and warehouse assistants were all catered for; but I was hoping for something a bit more - well, how can I put this? - seafaring...

I assume that they don't advertise the really juicy vacancies on their website since the pirating business is very clique but figured that, if I was to impress them, I needed to show them my jib had the right cut and that I wasn't merely a land lubber. Which was a problem because, after a brief rummage in my wardrobe, I realised that I don't possess a single pirate outfit...

Luckily, the same skills that almost got me a job as a Photo Editor came into play - I grabbed some eyeliner and mascara, took a photo of myself and them spent ten minutes in Photoshop pasting my face onto Johnny Depp's (my sincere apologies to Mr. Depp and his many admirers - but this was an emergency) to create my own pirate portrait...

This, I stuck into the back of my CV, knowing that they would be suitable impressed when they found it. I then crafted an application letter that hinted at my interest in the more 'colourful' vacancies they weren't able to talk about on their website:

Dear Sir/Madam

I saw your company mentioned on the Simply Hired website and would be interested in utilising your services to find suitably gainful employment. I have attached my most recent resume with this email.

I am particularly interested in any specialist marine vacancies you might have; I was hoping that you might have some additional openings other than the ones you have listed on the 'Looking For Work' section of your website. After all, I understand that sometimes it isn't prudent to advertise every position you cater for...

I am hard working, loyal and not adverse to getting my hands dirty; I realise that times have changed somewhat in the employment market you cater for but I hope that you will recognise my skills and see fit to employ me in a position suiting my credentials and demeanour.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards

Oliver.

Hopefully, Pirate Staffing Employment Agency will recognise my inherent pirating potential and will soon be inviting me to climb aboard...

Job No. 60 - Sales Eagle

Today, things took a tern firmly in the avian direction when I found myself a particularly exciting bird-related vacancy on Career Builder...

It is said that the dream of being able to fly like a bird is one of the most popular fantasies during childhood (I can certainly remember my failed attempts at leaping from the sofa, flapping my arms as fast I could - my mother encouraged me to try jumping from the roof instead) and so today's job would give me the opportunity to revisit those times (although hopefully without the fractured limbs and traction this time) as I would be employed as a Sales Eagle by a major electronics firm in Massachusetts...

Due to a combination of market forces and taxation pressures relating to climate change, it has become increasingly economically challenging for companies to employ mobile sales staff - the income they generate from sales often barely offsets the costs of keeping them on the road - and so more and more companies are looking for ways to reduce expenditure while maintaining client connections. Thus, this particular company have hit upon the brilliant idea of creating a sales force composed entirely of birds of prey...

Not only can the average Eagle cover more one hundred miles in a day under their own power, but also they can scavenge their own food and thus cut down on lunching expenses. By my calculations, the average sales company could reduce its bills by more than 60% if they adopted an avian workforce. Admittedly, even the most highly trained Eagle has a vocabulary of less than 15 words - but, I'm sure clients will respond well to the increased complexity of conversation that will now be available...

In the job description it said that "the ideal candidate will be a hunter motivated by success" - and, despite not being an Eagle myself, I was sure I could demonstrate the proper motivation. Thus, I hoped the company would give me a chance (in the spirit of equal opportunities) to join their convocation (honestly, a group of eagles is known as a convocation of eagles!). Recent technological advances in military equipment for Special Forces - in particular the Batwing - give me hope that I can deal with my most serious deficiency. In my application letter I gave some thoughts on how I could overcome the obvious physiological failings:

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Sales Eagle and have enclosed a recent CV for your consideration.

I believe that, given the opportunity, I could demonstrate myself to be a worthwhile member of your high-flying sales force. I possess excellent vision for sales targets and believe I can help your sales soar.

Obviously, there are certain physiological characteristics that you are looking for - and you may have imagined a specific Accipitridae, so to speak, for the role - but I am totally willing to do my utmost to fit in. I believe that there is a role for technology to assist the sales process and have done extensive research into cutting edge hardware that could help me fulfil all the demands of the position.

Regards

Oliver.

Well, I don't want to crow about it too much but I'm pretty certain that I'm in with a good shot at this one and could soon by winging my way to Massachusetts to join their elite sales forces...

Job No. 59 - Valet (Graveyard)

This being All Hallows Eve, I decided to see if I could find myself a suitably themed job application - and, after spending some time looking through the Simply Hired website, I found myself with two exciting options for the evening...

Firstly, I found an opportunity to live out all my childhood Ghostbuster fantasies, as it seems that C.A.S.P.E.R Investigations (Central Arizona Specialists in Paranormal Event Research) are looking for a Paranormal Investigator. However, my initial excitement at the job soon began to wane when I realised that, not only do C.A.S.P.E.R suffer from a distinct lack of PKE meters and Ghost Traps but also - from the photos on their myspace page - it appears that they have no Proton Packs!

The remainder of the job application failed to reassure my concerns:

"It would be great if you had your own or some of your own equipment. (voice recorders, digital cameras, video cameras, emf detecor, digital thermometers. etc)"

And the final straw to break the back of my opportunity to pretend to be Bill Murray was the fact that C.A.S.P.E.R are a non-profit organisation so this is strictly a non-paying gig. Well, I don't know about you, but I don't think I'm quite ready to challenge ghouls, ghosts and giant Marshmallow Men purely for the fun of it...

So instead I turned my attention to my second choice vacancy - Valet (Graveyard) for the Balboa Bay Club & Resort in Newport Beach.

I'm not entirely sure why the Balboa Bay Club & Resort feels it is necessary to provide an on-site cemetery - perhaps it's merely a marketing ploy to differentiate them from other nearby resorts - but I assume it has proven to be a success since they need to take on extra staff. I have to say, although I'm not particularly squeamish, I did find some of the job's duties to be a little on the distasteful side:

"Greet all guests; park guest vehicle safely; provide assistant to guests relative to transportation needs and/or concerns."

I realise that the Balboa Bay Club is a highly prestigious and luxurious resort but greeting all the guests seems a little over-the-top - after all, they're surely unlikely to complain (at least, very loudly) if I don't bother to say hello when they arrive. However, if the job truly requires it, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to pop the lid for five minutes and exchange brief pleasantries...

Having never driven a hearse, I'm a little unsure about my ability to park guest's vehicles but I'm sure it's something that I'll get the hang of after a while. However, my biggest concern is with regard to the guest's transportation needs - I can only theorise that this particular graveyard is so high-class that the dead are moved around so they don't get bored of the view. I'm hoping they'll at least provide me with gloves for this part of my work.

Nevertheless, feeling that I could well be the man for this particular job, I decided to write a covering letter to demonstrate my understanding of the position:

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing with regard to the Valet (Graveyard) position and have attached a recent resume for your consideration.

I believe that it is vital to treat your guests with respect and to ensure they have a restful stay. It would be my pleasure to handle any transportation requests they might have and to transfer them between sites where necessary.

I feel good hygiene is essential when dealing with guests and imagine that a stout pair of gloves may well prove to assist with this aspect of the job. I also know that, while I need to adopt a lively manner, it is unacceptable to attempt to fraternize with any of the guests. While some may take this position with the expectation of interacting with the guests, I take a more professional and detached viewpoint.

I trust you will give my application serious consideration and look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards

Oliver.

I'm certain that this Lord Tennyson inspired "valet of death' position is likely to catch on and, before you know it, all the major hotels will be finding room for a small cemetery on their grounds (perhaps converting the odd wine cellar here, reserving a room there). And I could be in there, right at the very beginning - ready to then capitalise on the forthcoming expansion of the industry. Oh yes, the market may well be a little dead at the moment...but in a few years it might just be really dead...

Minor Update - TFM Interview

Well, it took me a while to getting around to processing the audio file of last week's TFM interview but I've finally managed it!

Contained within this week's interview, you can also hear a short snippet of the newsreading demo I recorded at the TFM Studios - have a listen to it here: http://www.solsbury-hill.co.uk/tfminterview7.mp3

Job No. 58 - Rap Writer

I found myself a curious vacancy this evening while using the remarkably helpful Simply Hired site (which enables you to search through the jobs of a whole variety of sites) although the actual vacancy was listed on the New Haven version of Craigs List. It seems that someone out there is seeking a Cleavage Model...

"Cleavage Models needed...no sex. Amateurs welcome. Just need a great chest...send picture for consideration..."

I thought this might be a useful area of work for me and so took a couple of sample pictures - but, if I'm honest, my cleavage was a little on the disappointing side. Perhaps it's simply a case of practice and, once I've sorted out my angles properly, I'll be able to show off my chest in its best light...but, until then, I think I'll pass on the cleavage modelling...

So, instead, I turned to the Atlanta version of Craigs List, where I found an advert for the position of Rap Writer. The heading asked 'Can you write for a rapper?' - which is something I'm sure I could do when I'm not writing their songs for them. I am hopeful that this is not a sad indictment of rapper literacy levels but is, instead, merely a testimony to how busy life is for the modern rapper - they have such a hectic schedule that they need to hire people to write things like shopping lists, telephone numbers, etc. However, aside from these mundane writing chores, the position also required the writing of songs:

"I am looking for a Songwriter that can write a rap for an aspiring artist...You will be paid for this service."

I liked the fact that you will be paid for this service - for a moment I thought I was going to be doing this purely out of the kindness of my heart - and I'm sure that I can deliver suitable raps for an aspiring artist. I decided that, in my application, I should include an exciting rap verse that would pique their curiosity and get them coming back for more...I just needed a subject to rap about...

And then, as I sat on the sofa, pondering deeply what subject would prove universal enough to bridge the physical and cultural gap of the Atlantic, I realised that I needed to rap about something that everyone could relate to whether they were young or old, black or white, rich or poor, male or female. So I decided I would rap about cheese...

[Verse]
Girls they flock to me, all wantin' somma my cheese,
I let them talk their talk, but they can just breeze.
They can hustle up close, try an shake ma tree,
But no cheddar for you babe, you don't get my brie.
Only girl who gets it is one who wouldn't ask,
Gotta find me that honey, ain't no easy task,
Cos girls love cheese and girls love dough
You think they hang around me cos they likin' my flow?
Crowd me like a marathon on Queensborough Bridge,
But I know she just a digger wit her eyes on ma fridge.
Well honey I hate to havta take the wind outta your sail,
You ain't gettin your hands on ma Wensleydale.
Eyes on ma cheese, but that's all you gettin,
Try to touch my cheddar, baby you gonna regret it...

I sent off my rap effort - secure in the knowledge that they would appreciate my ability to generate rap about vital and exciting topics - but shortly afterwards was perturbed to discover during a perusal of the 'Rap Dictionary' that the word Cheese has the following common meaning within the rapping community:

cheese

money; material wealth. "Big pimpin' spendin' cheese" -- Jay Z (Big Pimpin')

-may be referred to as cheddar. "keep your money, she make her own cheddar, all she want from me is respect like Aretha" -- Wyclef Jean (To All the Girls)

I am now concerned that all my hard work may have been wasted and that they may inadvertently misinterpret my glorious ode to the wonders of fermented dairy products (and the dangers of girls who are only interested in you because of it) as an altogether more tawdry and avaricious verse. Perhaps I should send them a follow-up email to clarify matters?

Week 8 - Update

Well, the halfway mark is well behind me and now I'm looking ahead to the three quarter mark, which is only a couple of weeks away now...and, beyond that, lies December 12th which I've got marked down as the day on which I will apply for my 100th job application...

Still no news back from Santa Barbara about whether they can assist with travelling expenses for the Sheriff's Correction Officer interview - I'm crossing my fingers! And, I've had a hectic weekend so, my apologies for not having got around to processing last week's TFM interview and putting it up on the blog - I will try and find a way to sort it out today.

In other blog type news, I need your ideas...

When I began the blog I calculated that I had just enough money to get me to the very end but, it appears my financial factoring was a little askew (obviously being an accountant would be a very unsuitable job for me) and that - unless something happens to improve matters - it's going to be pretty tough to find a way to not take some kind of job (read: any kind) before I get to the 100th application. Right now, funds are running low and I've managed to max out my credit card.

I did think it might be an idea to look into whether there was anyone who might be interested in sponsoring the blog - but I'm not really sure who would want to. So, I need your ideas on how to make some money to keep 100 Unsuitable Jobs well and truly afloat until the end of my quest! Answers on a postcard to the usual address or, failing that, feel free to send me an email!

Emails from reclusive billionaires with lots of money to spend on blogs about unsuitable job applications are especially welcome...

Job No. 57 - GT Racing Driver

Tonight I was using a new recruitment site, Snagajob, when I found a vacancy that seemed like it would be intellectually stimulating and financially rewarding - being the Chick-Fil-A Cow mascot for the Chick-Fil-A restaurant in Raleigh, North Carolina.

The job seems to largely (well, totally) revolve around the concept of dressing up as a cow - aside from that, there are no udder duties for you to perform. However, just as I was beginning to get excited and planning my trip to Raleigh, I read the final line of the job description:

"For aspiring actors or actresses this could be your big break!"

Suddenly, I began to worry - was I really ready for the worldwide fame, plaudits and general admiration that could follow from my role as the Chick-Fil-A Cow mascot? Could I deal with the constant hounding from the paparazzi and the endless rounds of premieres and gala luncheons? I could feel my pulse beginning to pound at the very thought...

It is a little known fact that Sir Laurence Olivier had a life of acting and fame thrust upon him thanks to his appearance dressed as Nipper, the RCA records dog, in 1930 - which catapulted him into an acting career of hundreds of film and stage roles. I wasn't sure that I could deal with such instant stardom so I decided to pass on Chick-Fil-A and its opportunity of a lifetime...

Instead, I decided that I would tonight apply to be a racing driver. It seems that Kruse Motor Sport are looking for someone to drive their Courage C65 race car in a variety of races, including the Le-Mans 24hr event. The Courage C65 is rather quick - it is about as powerful as a supercar (like the Saleen S7) while weighing about as much as a Smart Car - and I'm sure it would be considerably more entertaining to drive than my current Ford Focus 1.8 diesel...

I think this could be just the job for me - although I've never actually driven on a race track (unless you count the M6 Motorway) I've garnered a wealth of experience from my time spent playing on the Gran Turismo series of videogames on my Playstation and Playstation 2; in fact, I've managed to secure all my international licenses. And, while I seem to spend a large part of my virtual driving time either on the grass, in the gravel or going round in circles, I'm certain that in real life the whole thing is probably a lot easier.

And - since there are some people in the USA who argue that first person shooters can gift people with the shooting skills needed to be killers (despite using a joypad or a mouse rather than an actual gun), I'm sure that the altogether more realistic simulation provided by Gran Turismo and a steering wheel is surely enough to allow me to walk into the position of lead driver on their team...

In my application letter, I highlighted my extensive racing experience but didn't feel it necessary to mention that it was earned on my Playstation - after all, I'm sure it wouldn't really make much of a difference to how they consider my application:

Hi

I wish to apply for the advertised position of driver and have attached a recent CV.

I have extensive driving and racing experience - everything from Touring Cars to the GT series - and have all the relevant international licenses.

Recently, I have been putting in a considerable number of laps at the Nurburgring with my modified Pagani Zonda C12S and I make an effort to drive on a number of circuits around the world. I have experience of driving the Le-Mans Circuit de la Sarthe and believe that, given an opportunity, I could take my driving to the next level and drive the Courage C65 for you.

Regards

Oliver

I'm sure they will be impressed by my racing heritage and I hope to be jetting out to their headquarters in Cologne to put down some practice laps in their car very soon. Of course, I can't see myself being with them for too long - they're merely my stepping stone into the far more lucrative world of Formula 1...

Job No. 56 - Gender Advisor

While browsing the New Scientist job pages, I discovered a position that looked like it would be relatively stress free and which would also give me an opportunity to get some much needed practice at my Christmas present wrapping skills - Packaging Assessment Manager for Nirex.

Now, Nirex - from what I understand - are in charge of developing solutions for the safe disposal of the UK's nuclear waste and are quite open about the problem they face:

"...the UK has been generating radioactive waste since the 1950s and has accumulated a large volume, some of which will remain hazardous for tens of thousands of years. Even without additional nuclear reactors, that amounts to about 460,000m3. Nirex sets the standards and specifications for packaging that waste..."

So, as Packaging Assessment Manager I'd have to make sure that the wrapping was neat and orderly, that not too much sellotape was used (after all, Nirex aren't made of money) and that the gift tags were neatly written (it would be a shame for them to end up in the wrong hands). In addition, Nirex intend to use the Phased Geological Repository Concept - basically put, this involves all the boxes being wrapped up and then put into a big hole in the ground (with a handy note attached saying 'not to be opened until Christmas, 50,000AD).

However, I was a bit worried about the effects of wrapping nuclear waste on a day-to-day basis - after all, just think how many paper cuts I'd get and I always seem to find a way to catch myself on those sellotape dispensers - so I decided that I would instead look for something less hazardous to my health. And, thus, my attention turned to the Antipodes...

New Zealand is regarded by many as one of the world's top travel destinations - its varied climate, culturally diverse cities and rugged natural beauty making it increasingly popular with tourists - but, just beneath the surface, lurks a problem that has largely escaped the media's attention. It was only while scanning through the Guardian job pages that I discovered the deep-rooted sociological and cultural confusion that riddles much of the population - evidenced by the New Zealand International Aid & Development Agency's attempt to hire a Gender Advisor.

I'm not sure exactly when and where this confusion arose - although some scientists have pointed to the launch of the Guyliner range of cosmetics as being the tipping point that sent the whole problem firmly tumbling into the abyss - but I'm certain that I can help solve the problem.

I would recommend a cursory (and fully clothed) physical examination for starters - with more detailed examinations only being required for those specific individuals who arouse my scientific curiosity. For example, when considering the current crop of New Zealanders, I feel that Peter Jackson would only require a long-range physical examination (and quite possibly not even that - I could probably do it over the phone) while it is possible that supermodel Kylie Bax may demand slightly more attention...

I wasn't hesitant when the application form asked me "what contribution do you think you would make if you were appointed to this position?":

I believe that I would bring a fresh approach to the problems faced in this area; combining an empathic nature with a scientific methodology. I think it is important to develop a suitable screening process that allows for issues to be resolved in distinct phases - determining which individuals can be dealt with from a distance and which will require considerable personal interaction. I feel that, if I were appointed to the position, I would be able to contribute a great deal and help reduce the percentage of individuals who have to suffer.

Hopefully, they'll give my application serious consideration and let me deal with New Zealand's burgeoning gender confusion issues - I'm sure I can sort them out...

Job No. 55 - Global Team Leader

Having already applied to be a Country Director, I knew that I would have to find a pretty impressive job if I was going to top it, and was therefore initially thrilled to discover a vacancy for an Ocean Manager with DHL...

However, it rapidly became apparent that the position wasn't quite as good as it first sounded. Firstly, there was no mention of which ocean you would be managing - which is a fairly important matter when you consider the vast differences between Oceans; the Arctic Ocean is just 14 million square km (much of which is frozen - and hence very easy to manage) while the Pacific Ocean is far larger at nearly 180 million square km and positively teems with action all of the time...

Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, I was more than a little concerned by the amount of paperwork that would be involved; the job description said that you'd need to "Maintain employee records and complete yearly employee performance reviews" - I can't even begin to imagine how many living things are contained within the average ocean but, at a guess, I'd say lots. Which means I'd have an absolute bugger of a time trying to catch up with everything - I can just imagine the sort of queries and problems that would be cluttering up my working day: "Have you got the dental records of the 654 colonies of penguins to hand? Could we see the performance appraisal of Julian the Albatross? The Union of Great White Sharks is annoyed that they've been downgraded from 'terrifying' to merely 'intimidating'..."

It's enough to drive you mad! So, instead I turned to an even more grandiose title - Global Team Leader with Primacy Relocations (although I'm not sure who put them in charge of things, possibly it's something to do with the fabled New World Order).

As Global Team Leader I would, of course, be in charge of everything - however, Primacy Relocations have clearly thought about the complexity of the role since they have given the Global Team Leader the ability to delegate to an unspecified number of Global Consultants who exist to do the Leader's bidding. I may see if I can change their title to Global Minions as I think this would sit much better with my understanding of their role. They could be the Darth Vader's to my Emperor (although, hopefully, without the skin problems)...

I was particularly excited about the fact that the job description asks candidates to 'handle escalated problems' - which I'm assuming is stuff like the problems in the Middle East, Climate Change, Nuclear Proliferation, etc. I'm sure I could have that all sorted out by the end of the weekend if they give me enough freedom in my actions - next Wednesday at the latest...

In my application letter I stressed my qualifications to be the Earth's overall leader (and general overseer):

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Global Team Leader, as advertised on the Careerbuilder website, and have attached a recent resume for your consideration.

I believe I am extremely well suited to the job as I have led a number of teams in the past and would be able to apply the same management systems (albeit scaled up) from within the bounds of this position.

I have a broad knowledge base of science and politics that I feel would be helpful in undertaking the position and believe that I would be able to wield the various discretionary powers of the role with a high level of equanimity - making sure I am deeply involved with any 'escalated problems' that may arise within my sphere of operation.

I appreciate the responsibility of the role and wish to assure you that I am fully capable of taking the reins and improving the standard of operations.

Regards

Oliver.

I'm sure that when they look at my CV, they'll see I'm the right person for their plans of world dictatorship. And, while they say that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely, I can't think of a better person than me to enjoy such a situation...