Job No.86 - Associate Designer, Men's Bottoms

A vague perusal of the jobs available at New Scientist turned up the not entirely interesting, yet certainly lucrative, role of Ice Sheet Research Scientist which is paid up to $140,000 (in Australian dollars). As far as I could ascertain, the Ice Sheet Research Scientist spends his, or her, time watching the 'dynamic processes in the Antarctic Ice Sheet' - which seems to me to be the scientific equivalent of watching paint dry. I tried to imagine how my journal would look:

Day 1. Went out and looked at the ice. It wasn't doing much today.

Day 2. Ice still there. Quite cold. Looks pretty much the same as yesterday.

Day 3. Ice hasn't really changed. The ice sheet not quite as dynamic as I had hoped.

Day 4. You'll never guess what I looked at today. That's right. Ice.

Day 5. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with I...

I decided that, by Day 6, I would already be inventing mysteriously appearing chasms and alien corpses entombed in the ice sheet - basically, anything to relieve the endless monotony of staring at a big chunk of unmoving ice. Which was enough to convince me that I was probably not cut out for life in the Antarctic wilderness...

Thankfully, Phillips-Van Heusen (owners of a gazillion brands including Calvin Klein) had a rearly interesting position available - Associate Designer, Men's Bottoms. Now this, I thought to myself, was something I could really sink my teeth into.

With my extensive game design experience, I was certain that it would not be a huge leap to the business of designing bottoms (at the very least, I was sure that I wouldn't make a complete arse of myself); the same core principles would undoubtedly apply whether you're designing the perfect first-person shooter or the perfect posterior...

Understanding your audience is, I think, key - there's no point designing a range of athletic, taut buttocks (capable of cracking a walnut with ease) if your audience is largely composed of elderly males whose sedentary lifestyle is likely to require an altogether more padded and ergonomically designed bottom.

I also think it's important to try and think out of the box and try to innovate - to think where the combination of technology and man-made buttocks could take us. So, taking a leaf out of the manufacturers of La-Z-Boy recliners, I thought it might be useful to consider a range of innovations (taking bottoms to the next level, so to speak) such as built-in massage functionality, heating systems (for those cold mornings sat on a leather couch) and even - perhaps through clever use of motion sensing sensors - the use of buttocks as a wireless control device (moving your bottom acts to move the cursor on the screen, twitch the left buttock to left click, etc.). I was certain PVH would be intrigued by my fresh approach:

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Associate Designer - Men's Bottoms, as advertised within the New York Times.

I have an extensive background in design - and am thoroughly versed in software such as Adobe Photoshop. I also believe that I could bring a fresh approach to the designing of men's bottoms.

My previous experience has taught me the value of understanding your customer and of ensuring that you innovate - and I have a number of cutting-edge design ideas that are all about the interface of modern technology and men's bottoms.

I think that I could help you produce something rearly special...

Regards

Oliver.

Now I just have to sit and wait, hoping my application won't become the butt of jokes and that PVH will write back to invite me to join them in men's bottoms...