Oliver's Eurovision 2013 Drinking Game

And so, only two weeks from today, we'll once again be descending into the organised chaos that is the Eurovision Song Contest. And, if you took part in last year's Eurovision Drinking Game then you're probably asking yourself  "Has it really been a year already, Oliver? Surely not?".

And you're right. Because if you took part in last year's Eurovision Drinking Game and followed the rules stringently, you likely have at least three days missing from your life that has been lost to an alcoholic fugue. But, trust me, we're nearly there again so it's time for me to wheel out my yearly update to the Eurovision Drinking game rules...

As with previous years, some of the rules are slightly UK-centric so, if you intend to play this in another country, just ignore rules 1 and 23 and knock back two shots before you get started for good measure. Or, watch it on BBC and pretend to be British for the night so you to can feel our pain.

Now, - as ever - I need to issue a word of warning; this game is based upon the consumption of strong alcohol. I cannot, therefore, be held responsible for your health (or lack of) if you stringently follow the rules of my game and drink yourself into oblivion. Play this game at your own risk…

Requirements

1. A shot glass for every person playing (probably best to have a couple of spares in case people get overexcited).

2. The national drink of Sweden is brännvin and the highest grade of that is vodka. So, this year, we'll be seeing in Eurovision with the help of some Absolut!

Rules

The rules are really very simple. You take a sip of your chosen spirit if:

1) Bonnie Tyler is mentioned. Drink an entire shot if there are any attempts to make dreadful puns about how the UK has been 'holding out for a hero'.

2) The host attempts to sing.

3) The host pretends to be surprised at something that's going on in what is clearly a vaguely-rehearsed piece of improvisation.

4) The host loses track of their autocue or messes up their timing.

5) The video shown before an act contains shots of people in traditional Swedish costume. Drink a shot if anyone is doing a traditional Swedish folk dance. If you're unsure of what a traditional Swedish folk dance looks like then check out an example here. If you're too lazy to check that link, then just imagine a bunch of septuagenarians swaying and walking in circles as if they've had one too many glasses of brännvin.

6) You see Sweden's national animal, the Elk. Drink two shots if it’s a person dressed in an Elk costume.

7) The song has the word ‘love’ in the title.

8) You are not entirely sure whether the singer is man who looks like a woman, or a woman who looks like a man.

9) A country is represented by a singer from somewhere else in the world. Drink an entire shot if a country is represented by what seems to be a random person (or persons) scooped up off the streets and then pushed out on stage.

10) The act involves people on stage banging large drums or industrial objects acting as large drums.

11) An item of clothing is removed on stage. Drink an entire shot if it is removed by someone else.

12) The act is bald. Drink an entire shot if they are also female.

13) The act possesses a large moustache.

14) The act is dressed in leather. Drink an entire shot if they are dressed in leather and have a large moustache.

15) If you hear a language used other than that of the nation who is singing (for example, French words in a song by Malta). One sip per language. If in doubt, just take a sip.

16) You recognise the song immediately as being a blatant rip off of a previous winner of Eurovision.

17) The song is an ode to world peace. Drink three shots immediately if there are any children on stage at any time during the song.

18) There are dancers on stage who, by their movements and lack of synchronism, appear never to have heard the song before tonight.

19) People are pretending to play instruments on stage. Drink an entire shot if they take a pretend solo.

20) Every time there's some kind of pyrotechnic on stage.

21) Every time there is an awkward silence and/or miscommunication between the hosts and the people reading out the votes. Drink an entire shot if the votes get mixed up.

22) Every time one of the people reading out the results of a country’s voting attempts to secure their 15 seconds of fame by babbling on incoherently and generally delaying things and winding a few hundred million people up.

23) Every time it’s "Royaume-Uni? Nil point!". Drink a shot each time, at the end of a voting round, the UK is in last place.

24) Every time a country gives top marks to someone for geographic, political or ethnic reasons.

25) If there is any alcohol left once the show is finished and you’re physically capable of coordinating the movement of alcohol from the bottle to your mouth...take a sip!

And, just like last year, I am going to be incredibly nice and also make a printable version of the rules available if you go here. And if you like it, then you can always feel free to take advantage of my brand, spanking new 'buy me a coffee' button - God knows I'm going to be needing a few of them after Eurovision!

Enjoy! And don't blame me (too much) for the apocalyptically bad hangover you will no doubt suffer if you follow the game's rules properly...